Schemas

I am torn between schemas,
I am not sure whether to give into my adrenaline rushes and
fight or fly.
I wonder,
how was he different to Katie.
Whom he loved so much.
How?
How did he ask her to do things he could never ask of me
with a joyful and giving heart,
that kept wanting to give to her?
That took so long to detach from?
And the moment I become involved in those ways,
I get violently swept away in nonsense.
Is it me,
or is it him?
Do I fight and hope for better days?
or do I fly away and leave the beast to cradle himself to sleep and dream the pain away?
I should just fly away,
it is times like this that let me know that my place is not here, with him, and it is because of him.
He does not want me here,
he doesn't want this to be his life.
He is not happy.
he is not in love.
He wants someone else and something more.
he is tired.
He is putting on a smile just for me, and I see straight through it.
This is not me, this is not what I want, this is not going anything like I wanted, this is awful.
How do I let him go, without hurting myself?
I am not sure it is possible.
I need to fly soon though, before this goes too far with us both knowing these things about him.
I feel like an awful person for not saying anything more, but when I try to, he says the thoughts in my head must stay in my head and that is all. They mean nothing more. And not reflective of how he feels.
We laugh like we are laughing at how silly I am, but it is only for how silly his lie is.
I am no match for this man and his wants of this world.

I am only a girl.
Who will set the world on fire one day.
You can't have love and save the world, can you?





https://youtu.be/KWZGAExj-es

I hate love

I hate love.
I hate this tangle of webs i feel inside.
I hate loving someone I know will never love me, but refuses to let me go.
How do you walk away from someone who thinks its all you?
How do you not want to fight back and say "wake up buddy, it's you!"
He has said every imaginable mean thing you could say to someone, like a child would, and refuses to admit he needs to grow up.
I feel hollow and small and mushy.
All i want to do is sleep.
i hate myself for even writing this, because he told me he hates my writing and finds it trite and self-absorbed.
He also loves everything Kerri writes.
I feel like a shell.
a soft delicate shell.
with cracks and holes.
and im covering my head from the blows, literally and metaphorically.
But nothing stops them from coming and me feeling them.
It's all because im unbearable.
now.
but tomorrow,
im loved because im the most beautiful and wonderful creature on earth.
not deserving of respect and love,
but still, the good words come.
and then, the bad words come.
and im laying on the floor covering my head and crying,
hoping it will all stop soon and wondering if i can calm him down or if i should just leave him alone.
nobody will ever love me for me.
everyone wants something from me.
that is the only way someone will love me.
if i give them what they want and ask for.
That's what I wanted from Cory, what I asked for.
and he gave in because of Poon.
I wanted a stupid and unattached thing,
something petty and meaningless to what I just came from.
Something opposite of what I had.
I am losing my mind.
Trying to figure out which connections still work in this machine we built,
which ones are dead,
which ones are fixable.

Limbo. 

I feel weightless

suspended in the liquid of my own tears and snot and blood. 

Unable to move or propel myself forward

or back 

or any direction really. 

No sound.

no feeling,

I shout and scream, 

but no words or sound come out. 

Suddenly, 

the white light turns into shapes, 

and im living in a cubism dream.

I see myself in a straight-jacket. 

Crying and screaming to get out. 

but I'm just crazy, so nobody listens. 

I'm the only one who knows I'm not crazy. 

I'm on my knees, trying as hard as i can to get loose. 

Tears stream from my red eyes. 

My face is contorted into that ugly cry face. 

Everyone hates the cry face. 

He says its embarrassing that I lay in bed all day. 

I say its embarrassing to come downstairs after playing video games all morning and afternoon and feeling exhausted, only to go back to it after dinner. 

He says we need to smoke less, but surely, smoking only keeps me level and gives me something to look forward to. 

He doesn't realize it though.

He thinks that his back keeps me company, and his back gives me warmth and love. 

I've memorized every mole and curve, 

and still it brings me no comfort to watch it everyday and every night. 

I'm still alone. 

I'm still cold. 

I'm still looking at a back. 

Sometimes it makes me sad 

when I forget what your face looks like. 

When I think Ill never see you again. 

That I will grow old somewhere else, 

and you'll grow old here and with someone else. 

and I will have no idea what your life is like, 

Ill just know that you are happy, 

and that I can never be with you again. 

What will I do.?

Who will i be?

where will i be?

Sometimes your face blends with Dave's,

and all I see is a man looking back at me.

Mustache and beard stubble,

dark hair, 

collar bones and t-shirt.

I'll miss your big hands.

Do you even care that there was a person on the other side of your lies?

Your self loathing and self righteousness?

That I was a girl hurting and crying and bleeding?

A girl that you said you loved.

I was on the other end of those actions, 

letting the puss and blood and piss drip down the tube into my throat, 

as you released it and felt better that you were healthier. 

What about me?

But you were hurting too, you say. 

And the fact that I asked you to come to KTV with me because I wanted to not be alone, and be with my love, and try something new, and let him guard me from the onslaught of sexuality that gets thrown my way when people are drinking. I said if you loved me, why wouldn't you want to do this for me. 

You said you didn't love me and that I was a stupid girl.

You cheated on me. 

and yelled at me.

and blamed me.

Just like David. 

I fall for it every time. 

Why are you such a stupid sucker Ericka.

All I want is to be gone.