You are strong
you are beautiful
you are kind
you are smart
you are funny
you are generous
you are thoughtful
you are sensitive
you are intelligent
you are mean
you are hard
you are sexual
you are silly
you are innocent
you are likable
you are friendly
you are a good singer
you are good at giving
you are non-judgemental...most of the time
you are hard working
you are good with your hands
you have a great memory
you are beautiful without makeup
you are beautiful in makeup
you are good at extending yourself
you are flexible
you are a great worker
you are great with children
you have a heart like a child
you are naive
you are selfish
you are jealous
you stick to your morals and values
you are open minded
you are great at learning languages
you are great at learning in general
you are thirsty for knowledge
you don't judge a book by its cover
you are a good reader
you are a good listener
you are a good talker
you are creative
you are imaginitive
you are child-like
you are forgiving
you are relentless
you are tenacious
you are strong headed and stubborn
you are free spirited
you are open for most things and easy to get a long with
you are a good friend
you are a good sister
you are a good daughter
you are a good partner
you are sensitive
you are judgemental...sometimes
you arent a fair fighter
you are quick to anger
you are at peace with yourself
you are at peace with the world
you understand
you laugh a lot
you have great teeth
you can always bring a smile to someones face
you are fun to be around
you are a quick learner
you are great at almost anything you set your mind to
you are stubborn....again
you
are
you
and that is good enough
Friday, March 27, 2015
B a noBody
"Come on come on,
B a noBody,
just like me."
You have forgotten who I am.
You are so familiar and comfortable.
You have forgotten all the good qualities about me,
that separate me from everyone else.
I can't blame you.
But I can't love you.
This is exactly what I always wanted.
To be loved for who I was.
full stop.
I told you that one day ago.
and you told me you could have done that.
I guess times run out.
Now you don't even love me.
and you don't even know me.
I am a noBody.
So why do you stick around.
its sickening and maddening.
This is the opposite of what I asked for.
I am not loved, for who I am not.
Everything good about me has been erased by you.
Because you are an angry selfish prick.
So I must not be good or worth a shit.
Everyone has forgotten me, for you.
and you have forgotten me, for you.
This is painful to watch.
as I am not a part of my own self anymore.
I am a spectator of me.
I am disjointed from myself.
And you are loved for exactly who you are, and won't let anyone tell you anything else.
you crack at the thought of anyone devaluing you.
How dare I ?!
But you, are loved, and cherished, and remembered.
You, holder of all things good,
you, king of yourself,
I guess british blood runs thick.
B a noBody,
just like me."
You have forgotten who I am.
You are so familiar and comfortable.
You have forgotten all the good qualities about me,
that separate me from everyone else.
I can't blame you.
But I can't love you.
This is exactly what I always wanted.
To be loved for who I was.
full stop.
I told you that one day ago.
and you told me you could have done that.
I guess times run out.
Now you don't even love me.
and you don't even know me.
I am a noBody.
So why do you stick around.
its sickening and maddening.
This is the opposite of what I asked for.
I am not loved, for who I am not.
Everything good about me has been erased by you.
Because you are an angry selfish prick.
So I must not be good or worth a shit.
Everyone has forgotten me, for you.
and you have forgotten me, for you.
This is painful to watch.
as I am not a part of my own self anymore.
I am a spectator of me.
I am disjointed from myself.
And you are loved for exactly who you are, and won't let anyone tell you anything else.
you crack at the thought of anyone devaluing you.
How dare I ?!
But you, are loved, and cherished, and remembered.
You, holder of all things good,
you, king of yourself,
I guess british blood runs thick.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Better to have lost then to love
When will you get it?
Why don't you get it?
He will never love you and never has,
and the only reason he came back was because
he going through a mid life crises.
You are just a part of it.
You are just a pawn.
He is moving you where and how he likes.
I have no choice on the matter,
and my thoughts are of no value.
Just get it through your thick, bruised skull.
HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU OR WANT YOU.
use it to walk away.
to take yourself out of the equation and leave him floundering.
The idea that he might get on better and have a good life after all
he has done makes me angry and sick.
It keeps me here.
Today is the day you walk right?
Today is the day you step out of the line of fire.
It's not a matter of doing better,
just escaping this life.
I will escape this life.
I have been meaning to research ways of committing suicide without pain,
I don't want to die with lots of pain or in a slow manner.
If I had a gun. That would be super.
But I don't.
It'll probably be household items.
It doesn't matter how patient, and honest, and loving
I am.
It doesn't matter what I say or do.
He doesn't understand or want to,
because he just wants me gone and doesn't love me.
So just do the man a sweet favor before you leave this world.
and let him be free.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Mexican Mermaid
I write with red for the passion in my blood.
The want to be on the other side, to be part of a world that isn't mine.
My hunger for this world turns to lust and passion, it becomes a sick fascination.
I want to be part of a world that isn't mine and will never be mine, and when I finally
have it,
I don't want it and I realize I had the answer all along in the millions of words that I have written and
the analyzing of a million parts.
I am not meant to be here, I am not meant to be this person, and I have tried to warp myself into a being that would fit.
I don't like what I see in the mirror and I don't like what it is I have to offer the world right now which isn't much considering the potential I have in my body and the evidence of my past that says I used to make a difference.
Now I am solely an instrument of destruction.
How do I get out of this spot?
I only have feelings for Dan when I am fighting for or with him.
In the calm, I feel nothing for him.
and I don't want to.
I want to leave the loser and I want to leave him broken and penniless.
I want to take what he has and destroy it. I want to leave him like he has made me.
He is a child in a man's body and will never be anything else.
He will remain this way until his father dies, in which time he will take over as the
Booton man loser. The King of the loser clan, more powerful, more of a loser, and more destructive.
How can I say this about someone if I love them?
The answer seems easy.
I do not love him, and I never will.
But why do I sit here and agonize when I can hop on a plane, go home and start over?
Because I will find a way to absolutely destroy him in time,
because I don't want him to hurt. I want him to burn and to watch as it happens.
So enjoy your wank in the shower, monkey.
The want to be on the other side, to be part of a world that isn't mine.
My hunger for this world turns to lust and passion, it becomes a sick fascination.
I want to be part of a world that isn't mine and will never be mine, and when I finally
have it,
I don't want it and I realize I had the answer all along in the millions of words that I have written and
the analyzing of a million parts.
I am not meant to be here, I am not meant to be this person, and I have tried to warp myself into a being that would fit.
I don't like what I see in the mirror and I don't like what it is I have to offer the world right now which isn't much considering the potential I have in my body and the evidence of my past that says I used to make a difference.
Now I am solely an instrument of destruction.
How do I get out of this spot?
I only have feelings for Dan when I am fighting for or with him.
In the calm, I feel nothing for him.
and I don't want to.
I want to leave the loser and I want to leave him broken and penniless.
I want to take what he has and destroy it. I want to leave him like he has made me.
He is a child in a man's body and will never be anything else.
He will remain this way until his father dies, in which time he will take over as the
Booton man loser. The King of the loser clan, more powerful, more of a loser, and more destructive.
How can I say this about someone if I love them?
The answer seems easy.
I do not love him, and I never will.
But why do I sit here and agonize when I can hop on a plane, go home and start over?
Because I will find a way to absolutely destroy him in time,
because I don't want him to hurt. I want him to burn and to watch as it happens.
So enjoy your wank in the shower, monkey.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Be careful what you wish for...
I live with a man that is a ghost.
A ghost of someone who used to love me.
If it can change so quickly, was is the big deal about caring for people who love us?
Can't they care about other things just as quickly and none of it mean a thing?
Isn't that how I got stranded in this love , in this world, watching everyone and everything, interacting and moving forward, as I sit still?
I asked for Daniel back, I wanted our relationship and the feelings that went with it.
What I got was Daniel, and someone I
A ghost of someone who used to love me.
If it can change so quickly, was is the big deal about caring for people who love us?
Can't they care about other things just as quickly and none of it mean a thing?
Isn't that how I got stranded in this love , in this world, watching everyone and everything, interacting and moving forward, as I sit still?
I asked for Daniel back, I wanted our relationship and the feelings that went with it.
What I got was Daniel, and someone I
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Surprise, Surprise Reprise
Not surprised.
On a couch, singing oldies, like I was in Indo, by myself.
hah.
oh what a life.
Sorry I wasn't enough your majesty. Hope you are happier in the future.
Monday, March 9, 2015
One More Time with Feeling
He left China,
He couldn't take the heat.
and I left the apartment and walked to the pub with Cory.
He lost it, and beat the crap out of me when I came home.
After waking up in my own vomit,
I tried to find him,
and found nothing but silence.
Eventually he called me from the airport and said goodbye.
I followed him to England.
and here we sit in separate rooms,
at his parents cottage in Wales.
Saying we are gonna try and figure this all out.
I quit my job and spent too much money trying to get here.
I am a thousand dollars in debt.
I can't see the way out,
but I do want to stay for a bit and have a proper farewell before
this entire thing falls apart for the last time.
I can't figure it out anymore.
I listened to him,
I let him be the bastard he wants to be,
and all I can do is love him and try and say goodbye with that in mind.
I need to leave soon,
but I can't help but holding out for hope.
as he does the same.
Last night I felt hopeless and fell asleep in tears on the couch
he was kind to me and made dinner.
Then we watched movies till the next fight about
artists on the voice not being real artists because for the show they do other peoples songs.
that is selling out and cancels out their artistry.
I disagreed and we fought.
I just figured, I was fighting for something that they couldn't fight themselves for.
For him to be kind and see what he should,
and not only what he wanted to.
I just want him to be kind, and he can barely be kind to me,
let alone others.
He says its me that does it to him. cause without me, he is a kind soul.
This is a total lie.
I shouldnt be trying to change him anymore.
He is who he is.
And I know he would be better in some ones else's hands,
but I love him so much,
so entirely,
it's hard to want to let go of someone you will never meet the likes of again and brings such
a vigor and motion to life, that without, seems dull and pointless.
But what can I do.
If he wants to be cruel and unkind to not only me, but others, than what hope is there.
Maybe another woman can come and change him in an instant to a man who doesn't want to hurt others.
That isn't a life, that is a taking of it. and its not your right, it's a thievery.
Love isn't about changing other people, it's about finding what makes life seem worth being better for. To make it last until the very last few seconds with the person who you don't want to leave this awful world for.
Love is fucking a word, the feeling and sentiment that leads us to use the word is what matters and it cannpot be described in a sentense or two.
it is so much more and im starting to lose it.
How do you tell someone to wake up before it's too late,
not only for the relationship, but just for themselves. Before he lets himself slip into the abyss of cynicism and doubt and self-loathing.
You can't, and I won't stay for it. I would love to be that strong.
But it has nothing to do with forcing myself to be unhappy for the man I love.
He should want better for me, he should love me better than this if he is honest in the good times.
But he isn't. He wants me for the sake of wanting something good.
but that will never amount to anything but him trying to beat his brains out for something he doesnt believe.
good luck to you sir.
UGGGGHHHH, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MYSELF!!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BODY INTO THE SKIES AND CRY TILL I COLLAPSE.
He couldn't take the heat.
and I left the apartment and walked to the pub with Cory.
He lost it, and beat the crap out of me when I came home.
After waking up in my own vomit,
I tried to find him,
and found nothing but silence.
Eventually he called me from the airport and said goodbye.
I followed him to England.
and here we sit in separate rooms,
at his parents cottage in Wales.
Saying we are gonna try and figure this all out.
I quit my job and spent too much money trying to get here.
I am a thousand dollars in debt.
I can't see the way out,
but I do want to stay for a bit and have a proper farewell before
this entire thing falls apart for the last time.
I can't figure it out anymore.
I listened to him,
I let him be the bastard he wants to be,
and all I can do is love him and try and say goodbye with that in mind.
I need to leave soon,
but I can't help but holding out for hope.
as he does the same.
Last night I felt hopeless and fell asleep in tears on the couch
he was kind to me and made dinner.
Then we watched movies till the next fight about
artists on the voice not being real artists because for the show they do other peoples songs.
that is selling out and cancels out their artistry.
I disagreed and we fought.
I just figured, I was fighting for something that they couldn't fight themselves for.
For him to be kind and see what he should,
and not only what he wanted to.
I just want him to be kind, and he can barely be kind to me,
let alone others.
He says its me that does it to him. cause without me, he is a kind soul.
This is a total lie.
I shouldnt be trying to change him anymore.
He is who he is.
And I know he would be better in some ones else's hands,
but I love him so much,
so entirely,
it's hard to want to let go of someone you will never meet the likes of again and brings such
a vigor and motion to life, that without, seems dull and pointless.
But what can I do.
If he wants to be cruel and unkind to not only me, but others, than what hope is there.
Maybe another woman can come and change him in an instant to a man who doesn't want to hurt others.
That isn't a life, that is a taking of it. and its not your right, it's a thievery.
Love isn't about changing other people, it's about finding what makes life seem worth being better for. To make it last until the very last few seconds with the person who you don't want to leave this awful world for.
Love is fucking a word, the feeling and sentiment that leads us to use the word is what matters and it cannpot be described in a sentense or two.
it is so much more and im starting to lose it.
How do you tell someone to wake up before it's too late,
not only for the relationship, but just for themselves. Before he lets himself slip into the abyss of cynicism and doubt and self-loathing.
You can't, and I won't stay for it. I would love to be that strong.
But it has nothing to do with forcing myself to be unhappy for the man I love.
He should want better for me, he should love me better than this if he is honest in the good times.
But he isn't. He wants me for the sake of wanting something good.
but that will never amount to anything but him trying to beat his brains out for something he doesnt believe.
good luck to you sir.
UGGGGHHHH, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MYSELF!!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BODY INTO THE SKIES AND CRY TILL I COLLAPSE.
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