Why am i a bad mom,
cant you see whats in front of you
two smiling faces and a house full of laughter
what more do they need?
a sense of wholeness that comes from labels
what is to have
and
to not?
do i measure like that,
no, I do not.
I measure by fullness of heart
and the rest is a value system
I long lost value for.
What are the things that could never be taken from me when i was out of rope and i think all things were lost and gone forever
Laughter
Joy
Beauty
learning
Giving
memory making
warmth
closeness
gratitude
forgiveness
These are things that I can attest to from my own personal experience and am qualified to teach children about. My own children, about the way I wish to view life and how it can be a curse or a blessing. Perspective matters,
safety matters,
co-regulation matters,
and I will stick by your side as a parent who longs to make your experience your own, your very wonderful and own experience with safe risk and lots of power to make your words be true. I want that for me, and I want that for you just as much. This is a village and we all have to respect that village by adhering to safe and thoughtful boundaries. It is my job to make sure you learn that and my privilege to usher you through the safe risks to get there with a supportive person behind you along the way. Like my parents did for me. Even if they created the risk or protected poorly. I can let go of doing better, and just remember my task is to take care of the three of us with all my attention. And let life fall around me to support that vision. I can make all realities possible if I need to adjust for our well being. Life is unpredictable. That's what makes the good times even sweeter if you stop and use your senses. I am here for you. Even in this moment. You are both away from me. I am not well. I fear the worst is happening to you. and I have no power to stop it. To save you. to keep you close and safe next to me. It is the worst feeling a person will ever have. I know your fathers do not fear it from the choices they made to me selfish in unresolved childhood traumas/unsafety/twisted perspectives. It hurt them too much to dig this deep and not feel negatively about themselves and blame it on me. I will never be sorry for being as deep as humanely necessary on all levels, to survive and find transcendence from the game most are playing. I don't want my children to just survive. I want them to pull themselves out of the escape route and make their own safe path forward, or just move around it gracefully as needed. It's not my job to make you anything, but I can give you the keys to move through it gracefully and mindfully. I can teach you about seeing forward and backwards with a real weightlessness and brevity. I am a natural mother, and I have much to teach which is why I love working with children. It is exhausting, but so rewarding to be in the presence of a fixed audience and be able to share this natural mindset of living and learning with purpose and care for self and others. I love what I do. I don't think most people can feel just as fulfilled from loving and caring about raising wonderful people as I do. Each child helps heal a part of myself that was longing to be heard as a child. All the helplessness is replaced with empowerment.That calling rises above any need of mine to be successful at the money and game bit. All of the earthly labels of entrapment have no enticing elements anymore. I am looking for soul points. I earn them daily and it keeps me balanced when I am feeling the heavy feelings in each day. Because I am enough. I am loved. I am safe. I am here.
I have this to teach you. and I am a wonderful human, and mom. and they will never take that away from me. Not even in the darkest of days or minutes.
