its not me, its you.

I want to throw up, curl into a ball, and cry until i don't exist anymore. 

You make me feel nothing but pain. 

I hate being with you. 

It's not me, its you. 

And neither one of us can change that. 

can you see it?

 Will they ever know

when they look back at family photos

with all of us smiling 

and having a "good time"

that all i ever wanted

was assisted suicide

and to run to the Netherlands

to end it all

because ever since I met you

it's all I want?

One day you will find 

I have bought a one way ticket to 

the Never Lands

to slip into a 

dream that I can never 

be shaken or waken from again.

and it will all be over 

and i will be ok

and i wont be buried under the burdens i carry any longer. 

i wont have to hate myself for making 

another one of these mistakes 

that i have to live through

My children, you were my only last good choices, 

of all the choices I made

and everything else

was wishful thinking

I was led to by false prophets

who were actually there 

to crush my spirit and leave me to dance

my marionette fumble. 

Just know that my happiness with you children

was the last I ever felt 

in my whole body

and was never feigned 

from beginning to end

and in the midst of all the darkness I felt eating my soul

you were the only gleams of light that kept me going.

The smiles I shared with at you

and to you

 and for you

were always the truest I have ever felt. 

happy mothers day

 As the tears pour down my face and onto my chest,

I rub them into my skin 

to intermingle with the smell of cocoa and homemade lotion.

All I wanted was some peace

before the day started

some calm before the storm

the storm that is my life. 

All I wanted

was to feel your warm chest 

and the comfort of your body being next to mine

a peace I do not get rewarded with almost ever 

but that instantly thaws the deepest, most frozen parts of my core

the parts I must freeze to keep going. 

but before that can happen

you get up and leave 

and I am left mid dethaw. 

you return quickly, 

but its too late

the freeze has taken over

now that your heat is gone and I am back to freezing temperatures. 

I wipe the tears into my skin, 

so I don't lose my only warmth

and get ready for the day

like always

ready to head into the storm.

Desperate banging for help out of the womb

 I get emotional, and my babies poundings increase

sometimes, i close my eyes

and dream of being gone. 

i want to be nowhere

 floating in space

back where i belong

I want to drive off the interstate

or walk into traffic

and be gone forever

but then i see my boys curly auburn hair

and his beautiful smile

and hear the laughter bellowing from his belly

and silly giggles

and tears flow from my face

the last thing i could ever do

is let go of my babies

never

i could never let them go

they are the sun to my earth

hope is not lost with them. 

never

united states of me

Sometimes i wonder why i spent my whole life chasing the dreams of my fathers and their fathers. To be an American. 

Being an American sucks. 

It is literally the worst kind of person you can be. 

I want to chase being me. 

But now

I feel trapped in a life i already chose to bring me happiness

But is bringing me none. 

Nobody is on my side

Nobody is for me

Nobody is for what makes me feel alive

Except me. 

Bandura

 Will we ever be anything other than carbon copies of our parents?

can we unlearn all that we learned to be here today? 

do we let go of those innate and learned habits?

Im not sure. 

i want to think i am better

more

and yet

when backed into a corner

or in fear

i react just the same as them. 

even with years of practice. 

weighted blanket

Although you lay on my chest,

And give me warmth,

And press against me like a flat weight,

I'm not sure if it feels worse that

You suffocate me,

Or feel the cold 

and 

weightlessness

 that lies 

in your absence. 

With you

 

-2/12/2021

with you.

and how happy I am to grow this dream

and how bright and beautiful it is

all I can think about is our future

and inside 

my one, true singular voice

is my own voice

all i can hear

in that way it does when it is slow enough

and seems to disappear 

and as it slows

pounding in my ears

and all I can hear is my pulse 

I hear the fading of voices and sounds

As I dip my head under the pink,fragrant water

child of mine

Sometimes i wonder if life is worth living

Then i think of your face

Your warmth

Your little tiny body i made inside of me

And i know there's no where in existence

Id rather be.

I will fight with all my might

To stay where you are.