all love songs

All i hear is love songs

Everywhere

And I can't believe 

Its

FinaLLy

YOU. 

Finally. 

It feels so good. 

So beyond any words my puny brainy vould conjure up. 

It's you. 

It's finally you. 

Hi. 

I missed your spirit. 

I can't wait to see what's ahead. 

So glad to be together again

And feel whole. 

Water never tasted as sweet. 

onion

I used to wear layer upon layer,

Trying to hide who I was 

My shape

My form

My being

My light. 

Ultimately,

I was trying to bury my light so nobody would see me

I didn't want to be seen

Or made known

For fear of what others would say

In fear of what has been said before.

I will no longer bury the light

Or my form

 

I will continue to fight for my existence

And presence

To be known

And not in an arrogant way

But as a leader

My light will guide

My light does guide

Men, women, children

I fear no fate 

My light will guide, and heal, and fly me far from the binds that try to hold me down, while people attempt to spit in my face, or demoralize me. 

I will be far from it all. 

Because I've embraced, harnessed, stoked the flame

That lights the hottest fire

You could never imagine

Right inside

This tiny frame

With beating heart

And coursing veins

And bubbling blood

Dying to soak up every last bit of sun in these frail bones. 

"I'm a little bit of everything, wrapped into one"

"There are so many secrets ...it's those secrets that keep you along." Little fires Everywhere, 

I used to tell men they didn't love me
in response to their "I Love yous"
It was an automatic response 
I always thought it had to do with them
not ever being able to love me right
or in a real way. 
And i was right!
How can anyone love me, if they don't know the true me?
It was me
that was hiding, in all those blankets, and pages, and bathrooms, 
hiding, all the time.
I never let any person know the true me,
mostly out of fear
and then from judgement. 

You are the only one.

My only one. 

The only one I let near without any fear. 

You are my rock

my refuge

my fire. 

I feel nothing but love and the buds of my being opening up to your warmth. 

I know in your hands I can grow, 

as tall and colorful and loud as I want, 

Blowing to and fro, without any consequence,

and you will always keep holding me with all the warmth

and joy and pleasure, 

and keep watering me, 

and grounding me,

and lighting me, 

and enjoying my growth and beauty. 

you are my only one

thee only one

and I never want to be apart from you again.

even now, 

my chest glows with the most vibrant heat and light, 

that are only existing within me 

because of you. 

I remember your smile 18 years ago to this day

i dream about you 

even in wake

the feeling of your skin

against my lips

the smell of your neck

fills me up 

in one breath

the warmth you transfer

into my hands

the weightlessness brought

by sinking into your chest and 

resting in your arms

i am yours

forever

i hope you will stay mine

i can't imagine a life without you anymore

to see you leave 

is the saddest part of my week

and to leave your door

sends me into defensive mode

as i choke back tears

and crack jokes instead

to mask the bitterness

of walking away from you

i remember the first time i sank into your arms

and felt safer then i had ever felt before

and the moment 

i knew 

that this was home

i think of your eyes

how they pierce into the furthest parts of me

and at the same time

send electricity coursing through my body

just one sincere look

i think of how your hands search

for my body to hold

or my face to kiss

or for my own hands to hold 

i think of how you lie with me

and tell me your secrets

i think of how we laugh

oh how we laugh

big, small, chuckles, and rolling

it never seems to stop

when i close my eyes, sweet man

every single time

i see your face, smiling 

the sweetest smile i have ever seen

and i feel your heart

beating in my chest 

because it is so big

that it 

encourages mine

to beat even harder

and do better

because anything is possible.

your love is something i never thought existed

your entire person in fact

and i was not prepared

for the responsibility

of loving the greatest man alive

but i will give my greatest attempt

to love you entirely

unconditionally

respectfully

and hope that it is enough

to keep you by my side

my truest of trues

my deepest of loves

nothing else before you was real or true

my life was leading up to this point

when my heart could beat without fear

and my voice could speak without consequence

leading to you

and the beginning of it all

life

true life

founded on love and acceptance

when your fingers lock into mine

i know

we were always one

we have always been one

just as the universe illustrates

but now i can hear her

and the melodies of her work

singing quietly in the beating of your heart

and the exhale of your breath

we were always one

welcome to the beginning

of truth as we know it.

Dreams and schemes

I've always wanted a polaroid polara like the one you have. 😊
Now i do. Childhood dreams, achieved, with you.
Also,
I am pretty pissed about the wedding invitation thing.
You could just ask them you know. You really aren't putting any effort into it. Which i find most hurtful.
I hate weddings, but I'm a great side kick to anything. ANYTHING. yes, i was hoping for Miguel to be there and for us to smoke and allow everyone to be, joyous and what not, and even though he wasn't invited and i was bummed, i mean, you asked me and said you had a plus one and i planned on being by your side there.
I even bought a few new dresses for the occasion.
Sooooo, kinda rude, but ultimately, you may be doing me a favor.

Cup=half full.
I am melting at the thought of your love and how it electrifies my every nerve. In only the best of ways, my love.

"Where's my mind?"-Copeland

I am the happiest i have ever bean.
You are the most tender and affectionate and loving man I have ever known.
you are patient, and inquisitive, and indulging.
you make me a better person.
you make me want to be a better person.
you are the light of my life.
seriously.
the light you give off is something so different,
more different than i have ever experienced before.
and even though i get pissed off about a few things
i can talk to you about it and we can work it out
pronto.
and i love it
i love our open feed of communication and respect.

i said lets talk about this sex situation
fixed
get off your damn phone
fixed
but this last one
is all me
and im not sure how to fix it
im jealous
because i love you so much
and i see you as someone so much better than me
and i know other women see it
and want it
and i dont want to give it up.
i dont know what to say
how do i express my jealousy
in a healthy way?
let me rephrase :
how do i express i am feeling jealousy in a healthy way?
i want to be honest.
i thought i was all that and a bag of chips
then i caught your glare in my eyes and i feel pale in comparison.
i feel empty when i see how full you are.
i can only imagine the beings that gravitate towards you.
people who want to feed off that light.

i
    want
            it
                all
                     to
                         myself
i'm starting to feel jealous off our talks of old partners, and im the one that always does it.
i got myself used to it because i feel like i should be able to stomach it, even though i never have done it well at all. never. and i keep telling myself that mature people do it. stomach it and even dgaf.
but i do. and the more i talk about my past partners, the harder i am trying to pretend idgaf.
but its all false. i do care. i don't like the bringing up of pasts. but it is important. it is me. it is you. it is real. and it needs to be released. so i will stomach it as long as i can. but i do feel jealous.

i know you are mine. as i am yours. and we are the only light that catches each others eyes.
so i know in my heart that i have nothing to worry about. it is only my brain that is trying to stir shit up. and i will hold strong.

i spent all night last night apologizing to you. because i was in my head. i did feel something.
and i couldn't exactly pinpoint it. it's like my body is trying to sabotage me, overthinking everything. i realize that the root was that i didn't want to mess this relationship up and lose you. i really really dont want to. i want you forever. but i couldn't stop myself from throwing all the barriers up from making things happen smoothly. i couldn't get out of my head. and even now, i can't and it hurts. i want to stop thinking. i just want to sink into my heart feelings and be utterly in love and infatuated with this beautiful person who has penetrated my life in all the layers and ways i could never have imagined allowing anyone to do.

i am scared to mess this up. by being me. and i can't get out of the hole.
pull me out please. i want to be back in the light with you.  i want to be with you.
always. all ways. i want this forever . this feeling of tear jerking joy.
i couldn't have imagined a better life and love than this. i want to keep it. and never let go.
you are the one. you are the most amazing person i have ever met. without even trying that hard.
you just are. and it gives me the feeling of implosion when i realize you have set your sights on me of all people.
im a bag of shit.
i dont deserve you.
i tried to ruin it all in one fail swoop.
and then gave up on ruining it all after i realized i couldn't .
you want me. as much as i want you. and nothing will change that.
but i still have this ptsd coursing through my body that sends fear in pails of blood to my brain,
and i freak out and grow tense and terse and act like an idiot. i don't wanna be the push over piece of shit anymore, so i pretend to be the cool girl. you said i was acting weird and i blamed it on weed.
but it was just me, freaking out. i don't know how to combat the part of me that says it will all end and that i am not good enough and will just ruin this in the end anyways with my shittyness.

the pain from the past is eating away at me, and attacking you as a way to deflect the attention away from the gaping hole in my brain and chest that says, you will never find love, you will always be alone, you dont deserve anything good to last because you are a piece of garbage.