for April

And all i wanted

Was to see in the light

What i was made to figure out

In the dark

Dia de la Abril

"It'll get better"

Was always the phrase

That never made anything better

But worse

We thought,  when?

How?

But you were 26

And here at 36

I think

You were right.

And it's not better at All

So why do we say that

And lie. 

And maybe I'm jealous of you

For finding a way out

For us not doing it together 

sooner

Before any more damage could be done. 

And i live my children

But my life was not meant to spread the disease

And what if i could have stopped it

Way back when? 

You're dead and I'm still here, 

But whose really the dead one, 

And which the one facing their highest potential?

Surrounded by dishes, divorce procedures and paperwork,  more expensive than the marriage itself.  Piles. All the piles. Screaming.  Crying. Threats. 

How can my life stop feeling like an endless duty and truly mine? 

Am i indentured for my own life  

Who am i paying? 

How much? 

Why?

Surrounded

I wonder

Who inhabits the grave between us. 

Why am i so jealous

You found a way out?

Need to find a way out

Spark in the dark

 Why am i a bad mom, 

cant you see whats in front of you

two smiling faces and a house full of laughter

what more do they need?

a sense of wholeness that comes from labels

what is to have 

and 

to not? 

do i measure like that, 

no, I do not. 

I measure by fullness of heart

and the rest is a value system

I long lost value for.

What are the things that could never be taken from me when i was out of rope and i think all things were lost and gone forever

Laughter

                Joy

                         Beauty

                                     learning

                                                    Giving

                                                                memory making

                                                                                               warmth

                                                                                                                closeness

                                                                                                                                   gratitude

                                                                                                                                                    forgiveness

These are things that I can attest to from my own personal experience and am qualified to teach children about. My own children, about the way I wish to view life and how it can be a curse or a blessing. Perspective matters, 

                                    safety matters,

                                                                co-regulation matters,

and I will stick by your side as a parent who longs to make your experience your own, your very wonderful and own experience with safe risk and lots of power to make your words be true. I want that for me, and I want that for you just as much. This is a village and we all have to respect that village by adhering to safe and thoughtful boundaries. It is my job to make sure you learn that and my privilege to usher you through the safe risks to get there with a supportive person behind you along the way. Like my parents did for me. Even if they created the risk or protected poorly. I can let go of doing better, and just remember my task is to take care of the three of us with all my attention. And let life fall around me to support that vision. I can make all realities possible if I need to adjust for our well being. Life is unpredictable. That's what makes the good times even sweeter if you stop and use your senses. I am here for you. Even in this moment. You are both away from me. I am not well. I fear the worst is happening to you. and I have no power to stop it. To save you. to keep you close and safe next to me. It is the worst feeling a person will ever have. I know your fathers do not fear it from the choices they made to me selfish in unresolved childhood traumas/unsafety/twisted perspectives. It hurt them too much to dig this deep and not feel negatively about themselves and blame it on me. I will never be sorry for being as deep as humanely necessary on all levels, to survive and find transcendence from the game most are playing. I don't want my children to just survive. I want them to pull themselves out of the escape route and make their own safe path forward, or just move around it gracefully as needed. It's not my job to make you anything, but I can give you the keys to move through it gracefully and mindfully. I can teach you about seeing forward and backwards with a real weightlessness and brevity. I am a natural mother, and I have much to teach which is why I love working with children. It is exhausting, but so rewarding to be in the presence of a fixed audience and be able to share this natural mindset of living and learning with purpose and care for self and others. I love what I do. I don't think most people can feel just as fulfilled from loving and caring about raising wonderful people as I do. Each child helps heal a part of myself that was longing to be heard as a child. All the helplessness is replaced with empowerment.That calling rises above any need of mine to be successful at the money and game bit. All of the earthly labels of entrapment have no enticing elements anymore. I am looking for soul points. I earn them daily and it keeps me balanced when I am feeling the heavy feelings in each day. Because I am enough. I am loved. I am safe. I am here. 

I have this to teach you. and I am a wonderful human, and mom. and they will never take that away from  me. Not even in the darkest of days or minutes.  

boy meets girl

 when i first met you 

i was so excited, and so scared

and so wanting to look cool

i was like an excited dog wanting to meet the new person who just walked in the house and wanting to play but scared to jump cause i might get yelled at and what if i pee a little bit?! 

It was so scary, 

to hear people tell me to beware, that if i make the wrong choice i would fuck up my children's lives by inviting a man who wouldn't stay. that I wouldn't really know him well for a while and should really wait and see what happens. to know i could scare you away with all the details of my chaotic and painful life. 

It was so easy, 

to want to be loved, to be excited and taken away in all the beauty that a new love has to offer. to be the center of someones affection. to think that my child and I might finally get the male figure in our lives that would complete the picture and redeem us from the afflicted lives we live with Silas. that we were gonna get our happy home, christmas warmth, birthday planner, school buddy. all the things we wanted silas to be, we thought it was you. it was so easy to look past getting to know you so well that I couldnt ignore all the red flags. that it would all be ok and turn out great. 

It was so scary, and easy, and cool. 

until it wasn't. and I can see now that you were the same as Silas. throwing away your loneliness for hopes and dreams that you were never able to make work before because you have never put in the work internally to be the person who earns those things. a mommys boy. just waiting for them to be given to you. comfy little white boy. who could cry and get what he wanted. homeless is a good word for what you were and are. homeless. you have no home because you have no soul that lives off hope for a better tomorrow. you just let the time go through your fingers like its uncontrollable. that things just happen to you. that you are the victim in this story. and so you are tortured. by me, by your parents, by all the other women and people who held you down and misunderstood you. 

the sad part is, we have all had so much hope for you, to rise up and be better then the shitty narrative your parents sewed in you. we've been your biggest fans. even your terrible parents. in their own way. by giving you the story you didn't want, were showing you that you didn't have to choose this path. 

and yet...

boy meets girl

boy uses girl

boy is done 

boy leaves girl, and son, and baby. 

boy oh boy

now it's just boy

and you return to your former state

and are you happy, 

back to where you came from

homeless and alone? 

are you happy

without a breeze to drift your sail and lift you to further lands untold?

are you happy?

You make Me

you make me feel like a great sunday

when you get to wake up when you want

 and the sun hits just the right way to warm you up slowly

the kids are doing ok

the coffee tastes just right

and everyone has a full, yummy belly. 

A sunday where we walk outside 

holding hands

in warm weather clothes

dressed to play

ready for adventure and whatever feels good

warm sun and birds chirping 

walks and water and laughs

No Pressure

No Pain

All pleasure 

You make me feel like that place right there 

right where the warm, joy of Sunday lives

On the other hand....

• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Got both boys down
• made lunches
• recovering from illness
• caretaking for one sick kid
• two services in one day with both kids
• finished homework 
• made, ate, cleaned up after dinner
• made lunches and notes
•  
•  
•  

This shits getting easier without you. I'm happier. your bullshit was bringing me down. 

You 

love 

like

a 

child

fucking clipart, paint, word doc bullshit

telling me i taught you blah blah blah

most intense youve been with anyone

and i didnt even get to do the hard stuff with you

you always fucking ran away

hid like a baby from real relationship shit we were supposed to work together on

the struggle is the climbing mountains together

not finishing or starting it

its the entire journey that builds love and trust and bonding

but you always ran

thats why she left you

thats why she threw your shit on the street

thats why she cheated on you

you do the replaceable stuff anyone can do

but you refuse to dig deeper to the real stuff that no one can replace

you have no idea how to even get there

you are so frozen solid 

your parents FUCKED you up

telling me NOBODY hits someone they love! 

Then your parents don't fucking love you and their parents didn't love them and you don't love your own kids

cause they all hit the most vulnerable and weak of all people

the defenseless

I DIDNT 

I hit back, and i hit out of fear, because my safety was being threatened in my own home  

how fucking dare you.

my love is the realest shit you will ever know

and the loss you are experiencing is the realest you will ever feel

i hope it breaks you and keeps you up at night

I was your ride or die.

and now

you are dead to me

Fight flight or freeze

i fought 

my safety 

my home

my life

was being threatened by your ability to use me sexually and say it was nothing 

you couldnt fuck me when we were in love

and then you leave me 

and thats when you start fucking me

because you were so disconnected

what the fuck was that 

I felt so threatened by everything you are and did and were and say

Adults hitting each other makes more sense then adults hitting children.

dont tell me i didnt love you or betrayed you or acted out of moral character

im human

im an aggressive boss ass bitch

i run this show so hard you forgot how colorless life is without me

I bring all the warmth and color

i bring the sex

i bring the heat

i bring the heart

i bring the laughter

 the tears

the fears

the pain

 the joy

the euphoria

the nostaligia

the sweetness

the tender

 the care

the mothering

the fathering

the humaning

i am all things at once

and its fucking hard

but i love me

i am a beacon of hope for all

and if you cant love me for who i am

i have lost nothing but another waste of human potential

you love like a scared, closed off, defensive little human

which i thought was what i needed 

meek

kind

quiet

non threatening

cooperative

small

but it turns out, 

you aren't those things really either 

you have no idea what or who you are

whatever you think i am

you are so wrong

cause you focus on the small parts of what makes up my whole

you can't even crane your neck far back enough to see the entirety of my enormous person

I am the fucking milky way

i never stop

and what you can see is still not the entire of who i am it goes so deep

i get it

being with me is alot

but if you were the right one

it would be priceless and something you would never want to give up

because i am goddess in human form

I wrap my lips around you 

and heal you from the outside in

like a hot metal rod to flesh

i can seal the wound with my heat

and bring on newness and forward motion

i am fresh as spring always

and i give new life at the snap of my fingers

i dont know why i trusted you

i know life will show me the way

i wish it wasnt so

but it is

and i am accepting that and moving on and 

ready to burn and replant 

I have new life beaming out of me that i forgot existed because I was trying to match you

to stay with you

to keep you 

but I release you

go

be free

but like a butterfly

your wings are wet by your own choices

and you will stay down

down

down

forever on the ground until you fade back into the dirt

because you refuse to move the water from your wings 

flying seems scarier because of the work that needs to be put in

to get you up in the air

forever down

emptiness or grief

 I hope you feel it every time you see the empty house

every time your joke falls on deaf ears

when you laughter is returned by echos

When you remember little feet running

and you see his empty room

 and the empty fridge

 and your day is filled with silence

and you feel like you're forgetting something

at least if it isn't for me, which it hasn't been in forever now, at least i hope you feel it for them

i hope it burns like the pile of lies you have amassed over the years

i hope it stings like the truth on your skin

i hope it hurts

everytime 

i hope you change from it

i hope it makes you feel again