when i first met you
i was so excited, and so scared
and so wanting to look cool
i was like an excited dog wanting to meet the new person who just walked in the house and wanting to play but scared to jump cause i might get yelled at and what if i pee a little bit?!
It was so scary,
to hear people tell me to beware, that if i make the wrong choice i would fuck up my children's lives by inviting a man who wouldn't stay. that I wouldn't really know him well for a while and should really wait and see what happens. to know i could scare you away with all the details of my chaotic and painful life.
It was so easy,
to want to be loved, to be excited and taken away in all the beauty that a new love has to offer. to be the center of someones affection. to think that my child and I might finally get the male figure in our lives that would complete the picture and redeem us from the afflicted lives we live with Silas. that we were gonna get our happy home, christmas warmth, birthday planner, school buddy. all the things we wanted silas to be, we thought it was you. it was so easy to look past getting to know you so well that I couldnt ignore all the red flags. that it would all be ok and turn out great.
It was so scary, and easy, and cool.
until it wasn't. and I can see now that you were the same as Silas. throwing away your loneliness for hopes and dreams that you were never able to make work before because you have never put in the work internally to be the person who earns those things. a mommys boy. just waiting for them to be given to you. comfy little white boy. who could cry and get what he wanted. homeless is a good word for what you were and are. homeless. you have no home because you have no soul that lives off hope for a better tomorrow. you just let the time go through your fingers like its uncontrollable. that things just happen to you. that you are the victim in this story. and so you are tortured. by me, by your parents, by all the other women and people who held you down and misunderstood you.
the sad part is, we have all had so much hope for you, to rise up and be better then the shitty narrative your parents sewed in you. we've been your biggest fans. even your terrible parents. in their own way. by giving you the story you didn't want, were showing you that you didn't have to choose this path.
and yet...
boy meets girl
boy uses girl
boy is done
boy leaves girl, and son, and baby.
boy oh boy
now it's just boy
and you return to your former state
and are you happy,
back to where you came from
homeless and alone?
are you happy
without a breeze to drift your sail and lift you to further lands untold?
are you happy?
