it started as coal and ended as a diamond

Your love was something i needed and never knew until i got it 

I drank from your love

And suddenly i was cured

From an illness i never knew i had

And i could see all the colors the world had to hold

You're the only serious relationship I've been in that hasn't started or been filled with alcohol to fuel me,

Which blows my mind away and tells me how pure and different this is. 

march 19 2020

It pours out from inside of me,

Spilling out,

Hot and dangerous,

Toxic and lavacious

Wrinkle in Time

I find my love in the creases that time has written on your face. Marking each year like the rings of a tree. Recording the experience that only you know. As i lay here in your arms, i find my love, softly laying itself within them. Walking up and down the corridors of each line as if perusing the catalogs of a library. Wanting only to know a glimpse of each book cover. And caressing the rough edges of each memory until all that remains is A smooth relic of monument you once built. 

Apr 7 2020

9/2/19

Light breaks box wooden frames in paper houses,

Dust particles blend with feelings left unsettled.

The true meaning is revealed when pieces take their final rest,

Seemingly in this version, they never find solace.

june 29 2019

I remember this feeling.

 from dreams. 

Paralyzed yet mobile. 

I move at a snail's pace. 

april 22 2019

you tell me that you want me to be you tell me that you want me to put on some weight, because you like big girls. But what does that really mean? I think about my mind pages through all the women that I have previously seen you with or I have seen on your Facebook as your past relationships. And I think of how many of them were chubby, or which of them or which of their names make some sound like a chubby girl? And I think do you really like chubby girls and that's why you want me to put on weight? Or is it that you want me to be you? And you want me to feel like you do? And in that same thought I wonder, do you feel so big because you feel like an unavoidable and unmistakable presence? Or do you feel disgusting and fat and love like you used to be and think of that as something that is grotesque? What is it that you truly want me to feel when you say you want me to put on weight because you like chubby girls? What are you trying to tell me? And anyways, I don't care what you like, or whether I fit that profile. I love who I am, and I turned my cell phone, and that's enough for me. and really it's enough for whoever it needs to be oh, I don't really care. so please stop telling me how you want me to be because I love myself the way I am and it may change in the future and it may not but it's really not yours control it's only mine and I love it that way.

june 24 2017

You think i hate myself for doing this, but i do it because i believe in myself and my skills. I can do anything, but i choose to do whatever i am doing at any given time for a reason. Like a bird interested in what it seems below. 

I have been in partnerships my whole life,  since i was born, and i love them and promote them over solodom, having experience both. 

I believe in the transformative abilities of teamwork. 

I favor partnerships and choose them purposefully because i like interesting and unique partners like my family members. 

I believe in my ability to be a great and supportive partner and always choose connection over other things in a moment. I stay because i believe i can help people quickly push past adversity that they would take much longer to do themselves. Through this bond i make life connections. 

I don't believe in giving up until my captain threatens the safety of the whole ship seriously. Then i sail away. 

I find nothing wrong with liking partnership over singledom, or a joined life over a me-centered one. It is unhealthy that I choose to stay in one where the man is clearly unwilling or under the influence of my drug or another.  I should learn to get to know men before giving them my heart and expecting them to be able to walk the walk. I should watch them demonstrate their abilities before i just believe them and get mad later when it was all false. 

I should know guys will say whatever they need to sleep with me and i will continue to trust no one. This is an effect you have on people and you need to come grips with the power you hold and how responsible you should be with it. 

Flood

Here it comes again,

The familiar feeling,

My stomach in knots 

As i watch the large wave raise,

Tsunami on an empty shore

I watch the waves until they block out the sun

And welcome the flood. 

What is it hiding?

Behind the waves threatening to consume me

I am not blind

I saw it from miles off

And still

I chose to stay still and accept it 

When the truth comes out

Will it be accepted fully or slide it's way down my throat like a meal you just don't want to eat?

typical Ericka

I've never gotten it

But always wanted it

So misunderstood

And vindictive. 

Pms brings out the cougar

And she wants to be pet. Hard. 

Stroked. Lovingly. And hard. 

Everyone talks about how typical it is for me to be out of control. 

But what i want

Is that centering rod

Deep in me

I want to feel my entire body shake 

Like my brain is 

And feel the two shake into synchronicity. 

One human vibration, tuned, to quiet silence

And no longer the high pitch hum of the bowls.

I want it to pierce the ice around my heart

And let the warm juices heat it up.

I need to quiet the inner voices

With the sound of your sweet breathing. 

Fill me up with all your love, 

In the times i feel darkest.

I've always been given things,

But not when I ask and desperately need it. 

Then I lash out 

Because i feel so forsaken

And lonely. 

And now

Ms.understood. 

Can you figure me out? 

Can you find the spot

That gets me flowing

In only love and warmth and calm serenity

??? 

i wish

I wish we could be making out under a tree in a park somewhere. 

Here

There

Everywhere

Prague

Huntington Beach

Islas

Anywhere that is just me and you, 

enjoying the sun

And the trees

And life. 

but i am here 

and you are there

and i'm not sure how we 

connect again.

i wish we could be resting under this tree

but i can't find you anymore. 

Pascal pinon-

bloom. 

window shopping: lives

I'm laying in bed, listening to the voices out the window. They are laughing, 

And having fun, 

And i instantly want to be out there.

I think of putting clothes on right away

And hopping into their circle. 

Then i think, what would you think

Or want.

Me outside or in?

I want to be respectful and also

Take advantage of my nights if I'm not schooling or mommying.

Sometimes i crave it. 

And i want to say fuck you right now for not getting why you fuck me on Saturday nights, 

But then i remember you have no idea why i need to free this energy. You're not me

So you can't know.

And then i get more realistic

And think about how disappointed i would probably be

How isolated

Not trusting is this instance may leave me with covid 19 😂😂😂 

But seriously.

Inside jokes out of my scope

Nothing intellectual, if anything mostly the opposite

It'll be lame

It will feel lame

"You just want to laugh and have a good time"

Wishing it could be with you though

Not strangers

But we get what we can on nights with cravings like these

And mostly regret it

"Why didn't i stay home..." 

No

I think back to the moments i told myself i didn't want to be anywhere but here

And now i am

So sit your butt down, girl

And eat yo cake, bitch. 

I forget the only reason i feel like this

This surge of life

Is because of you

And I'm staying right here

All

Because

Of

You.