What would you do, if it all came back to you...

I have been singing this Junip song to myself for weeks now.
 What would I do, I asked myself over and over.

 And now, a few days after Christmas, he finally messaged me back and is saying he is sorry and wants to be better and back together and go to China.
Everything in me wants to rush back into his arms and fall in love all over again, not that I ever fell out of love. But the situation put me in a weird place, a place where I can fall head over heels with him again.
I want my man back,
I want to go to China with him,
I want the apartment,
and a cat,
and our own things,
I want a house one day,
and the intertwined families,
and the grandparents coming over to see our kids,
and I want to think about what our kids will look like,
and where we will be in a few years,
and where we will end up ultimately,
and what color we will paint our walls,
and the art we will fill the place with...
I want to dream about it all!!!!

But I can't,
not after all this time and his insistance on never seeing me again.
I want to make sure he is positive about wanting us and the direction(s) that this
relationship can go.

Gah! I have no idea what I am saying.

All I know is this is crazy and I love him and I wish I could have dived back in like he wanted me to.
But I cannot have this happen again.
I do not want to live a life where I choose to love a man the most, a man who I am not sure if he loves me as much back.
I kind of expect him to be like "I love you, and that is it, and we can do this, let's go baby!"
but he has confirmed my fears and said he actually isn't sure and needs more time to think.
So I got angry, why would he do this to me. All of this!? If he really loved me.
Is he just missing me or sorry and wants to keep me on a string for his comfort?
I want to believe he really loves me, but I know he has to prove it and prove that this is the last time that this kinda thing is gonna happen.
He even said he needed to disappear again and think about it all.
I am furious.
Why come back you insensitive prick if you aren't sure if you wanna be with me after breaking my heart into a million pieces?
What is the reason, what is the purpose, what are you trying to say???!!!
I want you to grab me and kiss me passionately and tell me I am the one!
I have no idea what he is saying, but it is not this.
So what do I think. Ever since he contacted me back,
I have been in the same spot I was when we broke up,
unconfident and unsure of what was happening,
in emotional turmoil and angst.
All I need you to do is choose me or lose me babe.
I want to keep doing my thing with all the confidence I had before he messaged,
and all the confidence that his love gives me as well,
but I can't feel that until he decides.
and it is leaving me in a bad space.
Please just choose, love.
I want you to choose us so we can do this life things for reals and live it as best as we can,
because you and I do that together.


I just keep waiting for an oops, didn't mean to do that.
and I feel this wonderful wave of apathy that tells me to just not care.
but it extends, unfortunately, to not caring about a whole lot really.
It could one day I guess.
I feel like he's just pawing me around to see if i'm dead.
He has to prove it. plain and simple.
I don;t want it unless you do.

my words feel so utterly weightless and empty.
I have no idea what the meaning even is anymore.
I hate that you do this to me and you can't decide if you want me.
its earth shattering.
and I'm still picking up pieces and trying to make sense of it all.
You still have not answered almost any questions.

I am going to stop talking before I delete all this and start over.
ugggghhh!
life.
how i love the dirty pants off this guy.
and how deep down he sees into me.

It is nice to be seen for who I really am and not only to be not hated, but loved.

I guess I will get along no matter what, but there is a better and best way.
We shall see.

Sillyheart, Fantasy World, Disney'd !!!! We can pretend if it makes you feel better. I'll take one for the team: Now I know how David might've felt ~KaRmAAaa~

Guilty Pleasure = Paramore 

haha! 

anyways, 

decided I have no idea why I do this anymore. 

Social media. 

No idea at all. 

I look like a twat. and its just embarrassing haha. 

I dont want to chart my life online. 

Gross if you think about it. 

Man, she was right the whole time, 

and all I had to do was listen backwards. 

Life is funny like that. 

Thank you Hayley Williams.

So ridiculous Ericka haha! 

Hence why i'm kicking my ass off social media, because this is all just ridiculous. 

Best love of my life. but cannot feel that ever again, i have never felt more pain in my life. 

Slightly afraid of what that means for the future 

but 

people before me did not even consider the possibilities and not online, 

so I think I'll be good haha

haha I feel like such an idiot!!!! haha (for writing these thoughts)

oh my  gosh

ah

ha

Later

See you in China, maybe? (nods head with a knowing grin.)

love you

We'll always have Indo,

Here's looking at you, kid. 

X

Late Nite Talk Show

Second one that is playing tonight
and I have no idea what is going on.

All I can think about is you

It is so distracting. 

The nights are the fucking woooooorst! 

shi-it! mon! 

You know,
I dreamed about little Roni the other night
when I spent all day busy looking after children. 

It was warm and bittersweet. 

luke-warm blood fills these veins. 

I'm in zero gravity limbo. 

More good things come to mind each day. 

Which I am sure you would agree the opposite. 

As I sit and stare at the television

I think of what shit we would make of all this. 

How POS all these commercials and shows are on tv right now. 

But watch a few of them despite it all. 

I loved when we found something good on or a new episode was on.

A nice home cooked meal at hand. 

ugh. so nice to just relax and enjoy life so easily for once.

Didn't last long, I know. 

I was a fucking wreck.
I loved our life together.

My quarter-life crisis (an article I guffawed at in University)

.

POS brain! 

Always brings me here when it is most vulnerable at night. 

Forgetting the logic of : you ended it, I'm not sure exactly why, and you are not here anymore. 

Boom! The End.

Easier said than done. 

Gotta fill the calender in more with things to do. 

But I expect to leave in January for China. 

Scary, but I can do it. (said in a voice with rising but sarcastic intonation.)

Gonna chop off my locks into some cute tresses. 

That should make me feel fresh right? haha

I am ready for Ericka to push me out of the nest, 

Die or fly. 

God dammit I love you Dan.

The dust is settling but my ears are still ringing.

I stumble around in a daze.

Definitely the best relationship of my life. 

I only have good thoughts of you and us. They are constantly there. 

I'm not afraid to see them, only that I will forget them.

How do you make it look so easy to do?

Shame Boner

Shame. 

Gotta be honest.

Today was pretty effing hard.

I was not sure how I was going to make it through.

Major shame boner.

In all honesty

It got so bad I had to message him so.

Ugh. Why can't I stop myself!? 

I don't mind as much as you do I'm sure, but then I start to mind that I'm bothering you.

Shame.

I have no idea what to do when it gets this hard, 

but I am lucky to say this has been the hardest day thus far.

Please please please not many more of these.

It was just an incredibly heavy morning to wake up to, I could just feel it in my bones.

Then the thoughts started.

Like the creaking in my bones and shaking off of dust,

My mind slowly turned on like a favorite, old grandfather clock.

I should play Machinarium again. 

Similar mannerisms.

It was dreadful. And I felt stupid all the while for feeling so miserable.

But then my sister serendipitously called me and said go ahead and look stupid, 

it's not bad all the time. You gotta be weak and let it all out. Grieve.

That made me feel hella good.

It's like every time I feel like I might be getting somewhere, 

this day happens. My mind was everywhere and

anywhere in that relationship.

It was crippling.

Nothing I did could shake it. 

I wanted to cry out so loud the heaven's split.

Sometimes telling myself :

"Drop it! He doesn't want you! Put it behind you.",

does NOT work.

I am trying so hard today.

I have no idea where the day even went.

I was out and about, but I remember nothing about it.

nondescript.

This is all too much for me to even begin to understand right now and it is more and more obvious each day. There is no way to pull all the chains apart and look at them separately for long right now.

I can pull out the small, loose bits and straighten them out.

I can think of you and enjoy the moment and let it warm my heart,

and not feel bad about it.

ugh.

why is progress so...progressive and slow haha

eh.

Day behind me thank jebus.

positive things about the day:

great talk with Meg Pie

Mom and dad both kept me company and were supportive

I got to cry a little (I wish I could get myself to cry more about this, I need the release)

Went for a walk

!!!Signed up for volunteer opportunities around town!!!

Met me a nice lot of people

ickle bit of dog time

mom and I got out today 

Made it through a tough day like a champ

:)

Si sepuedo!

I felt I needed to share this because of how real it feels and clear I see. 

Life of a shorty, you can see it and hear it and want it, but unless you jump on that counter or grab a chair, ain't no way your gonna reach it. Sigh.

Bleh. What the fuck do I know? I ask that often after a good few hours of circling thoughts,

poop, just poop!

The Truth of the Matter

...What is it really?
What is truth anyways?
The truth is, I love you and I can't switch it off, and I see no problem with loving what we had and not being over it. 
I miss your family and friends, I miss a good beer and Mexican night. Cigarette breaks and awesome jokes.  
I found myself smiling to one of our good memories today and realized, I can love you for the rest of my life and not be over you, and that is ok, as long as I keep living my own life. 

Right now, I am just trying to make it out of bed and eat at least once a day. haha pathetic, but a process I guess.

I can't make any sense of this all, and this ok.

I have no idea why you are choosing to just give up, 
cause we can make it if we wanted to.

but that's ok.

The truth of the matter is, you do not want this anymore and with that I have to be ok, because it doesn't matter what any of the details were at this point and how much speculation goes into it or 
introspective thinking.

If you don't want me, I just have to say ok.

So that is where I am right now.

Hopefully in a few weeks I will have the chutzpah to go to China by myself, but honestly I am really banking on Nicole coming with me. I need to get my mind off all this if it is no longer my future and start to build a new one. ugh. So cross your fingers, I hope she comes to China with me. Otherwise, I need to build up some steam to go alone, because it is the only thing that can keep me going at this point. 

I don't want to live here.

I don't want to work here. 

I don't want an apt. 

I don't want some re-bound boy.

I don't want to scratch for change. 

I don't want to be stagnant. 

I need some color, and change, and overall, I need to be challenged to move me from this awful place I am in right now. 

Everything will be worth it once I get out there. Although, I envision myself sitting in front of my laptop alone like college. haha

Please pull through Nick, please, please, please! haha Plus it would be nice to have her there to just keep me safe from myself, not getting too crazy and doing something I regret after losing Danny. 

hmmmmm....

I tried looking into passports and EU nations for scenery sake, or S. American nations, but nothing panned out. Still looking into the passport thing, dad is having a lot of fun looking into that :)

So, SE Asia is a no go because I would just be sad and miss the hell out of my Danny since all SE Asia looks kinda similar haha. 

I'll hold off on that on for a bit. 

China it is then. Japan a little later when I have the revenue. I mean, come on! It is Japan. Who wouldn't want to live there for a year!? 

Europe would be great for a while too once I get something figured out. After being with Dan, I have fallen in love with Europe, but it could have just been love too. So, we will see one day :) 

I taught Eugene the Russian man last night, 

I hope it went well. You can only tell over time. Russia would be cool I think, but not on the top of the to-do list haha

I need to pick up the guitars and singing more. Hope I can get on that soon, I love singing and glad I am good at it. 

Volunteering should pick up soon, so that will be fun. 

Haven't gone back to self-defense classes yet because I have lost so much weight and don't eat enough to do high intensity yet. Ugh. Can't wait for this to be over, although, funny thing is, I only got an appetite back when I met Dan. I ravaged through food, I was just so happy and full of vigor and life. When I was a teen, I ate like a freaking raptor! Steaks for after school snacks haha

But throughout college and being with David, I lost my appetite for love and life. 

Our first meal together after our stay at the business hotel (we took it differently haha) was McDonald's because heck, it was close and cheap and fast and easy and sounded delicious haha. I ate a big mac meal supersized and mcnuggets. HAHA! it was crazy delicious and I was not able to eat in front of Dan yet, too embarrassed to let him watch me rip through some food. Japanese manners. :)

But I could not believe how hungry I was and happy at that. 

eh. life. Good memories. 

So, I am in no rush to work out again, I'll do it soon. 

Started reading some more Murakami, wanna get into some other stuff at the same time too. 

I like mixing stories, it just makes everyday better when I see and think crazy things are going on in the world. Like monsters eating people in the subways and sewers, and people watching me through me tv and internet. Makes me laugh, it was really nice having Danny to share that with. :)

I am really glad to have supportive parents who love me, because right now I just feel so God damn lonely. It is consuming. I need to be around more people but really do not have a choice right now. Luckily, they are keeping me company and hugging me when I look like I can't step forward another inch. Can't wait to hang out with my cousins again but that won't be until New Year's. Long ways away. Not sure what to do for company. haha

I keep thinking of pulling random people off the street that look interesting and asking them to hang haha! But i think people would get the wrong idea from that. so, new plan. haha

I know it will all just happen and I will forget that this dysfunctional time even existed. I think. It seems like many people I know really never recover.

Funny thing is I know myself, 

and I recount the stories when I am in a relationship because I always compare back. But just in everyday, I forget all about the pain and misery of boyfriends past and what not.

I have fun and am lively and exuberant and a light that people love to hover around.

I'm mischievous and loud and thoughtful and giving.

I know exactly who I am, and I will be back there again soon (I mean, I only lost that when we broke up and I was a puddle on the floor, I was always that when I was with Dan still :))

I just hope that the scars are not something I wear like a tattoo. Serving as a small warning sign of impending complications.

Something I wear to pretend I am hard and callous and scare others off with.

I would like to stay the same, but can any of us?

God knows I need to grow up, but I like who I am overall. I pay my bills and take care of myself and help others out.I always try to give more than I get and leave my environment better than how I found it. 

I could be a little more realistic and less demanding of not only others but myself as well.

I needed to give up the notions of childhood fantasy and move into the adult realm.

Life is not about love,marriage,jobs,who has what and making sure that you keep everyone happy or approving of you.

But when you are a kid, you think pretty much exclusively in these circles.

I needed to derail and get onto a more realistic mindset.

Life is about so many things the list goes on forever.

I feel confident now that I can handle myself better in any situation now that I have shed that skin.

I feel more free than I ever have in my whole life.I wish I could have experienced it longer with Dan, but I will learn to enjoy the silence alone for now.

He taught me what it truly felt like to be free of judging and judgement.

And be free in general, everyday felt pretty amazing when we weren't fighting.

I love that man so much and am so grateful to have had him in my life.

You have definitely made me a better person.

:)

Thanks.

And thank you Nick for this great insight :)

http://www.theminimalists.com/fall/

...The truth is I was running away from misery for so long, leaving you behind and took the path that led me straight to misery's front door. Not realizing my perfect place was right there with you and misery had stopped chasing me long ago.
And for that I am truly sorry, my love.

I'm laughing at myself right now

Because of how dramatic I have been for the last few weeks.
Ohhhh shit, man.
It does hurt a lot, and is the craziest thing that has ever happened to me.
But that makes me laugh harder.
Cause it was a first for me.
David and I had issues, but it was never anything as high or low as us.
I loved you with my entire heart, unlike anything I ever felt, and it swept me away.
I am so glad this is happening to me at 26 and not earlier in life,
I can only imagine the range of affect.
Just having regular boyfriends was hard enough.
The timing in my life is absolutely disturbing and crazy, and most likely my fault but sucks none the less. I just do not know how people do this, or learn to care a little less to make it easier next time.
I think about how I feel right now and how low and sad and absolutely depressed I feel and and how I must look to the outside world, and I just laugh to myself.
How sad to have a world full of broken hearts and sad people like this, over such silliness.
I mean, I don't think love is silly, but feeling so shit in life when it is so long and wonderful=very silly.
It is very disappointing and heartbreaking to lose a love in life. No way around that one.
I just think about how silly I must look.
buuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhh
haha
Oy vey.
Miss him. Love him. Love our times together. What else can I do?
Keep walking and enjoying life. Can do. Sad that the way this all has unfolded is making me feel more and more as each day passes that this was a terrible and horrible relationship. Although I never felt that and haven't until the last few days while trying to understand this. And I keep thinking in your shoes, and feeling really awful. And I can understand all this if it really felt that awful.
But I know for a fact it didn't. We laughed every single day together. Rain or shine.
I think this is just the natural order of distance and break-ups and winter.
I would love to complain about it. But no time left.
I hear of some people staying in this funk for life, or years, or months.
I just couldn't imagine feeling this way much longer.
I need to do better than this.
Life isn't fair. Get over it. Appreciate the time you had with him.
Haha, I talk about him every post. I can't imagine it will end for a while.
But I will do this and get better and keep movin'. Easy to do if you think of it as just being awful,
Impossible if I keep thinking of it my way, a dream come true all the time and sometimes bat-shit crazy. haha oh boy.
I think I will be dancing around by next week, and singing too!
I just cannot imagine being more pathetic.
Not eating or sleeping, really not doing anything but moping.
haha
I am sooooo glad that I was more into sports and school and friends than guys when I was growing up. I would have been in some big trouble by now if I had haha.


Life rocks.
For reals though.
Comedy: +1
:)

Well,see, it's a funny story really...

Watching Ponyo for the (n)th time (western version),

Along with Kiki's Delivery Service (Japanese Original),

Cause that's the natural cure for 

break-ups...right?!

Oh gawwwwwd.

haha. i yi yi. 

I am teaching English to a 42 year old Russian man now. 

For 9.50 a sess. 

*soft chuckle* 

*stoner's "what the fuuuuuuu....????"*

Really. Not where I thought my life was goin'. 

But alright.

but not really.

but ok...I guess. 

*long and deep sigh that you can feel suck out the bottom of the floor a little*

I really like Ponyo. It is truly a good mermaid tale. 

and it just soothes me a bit, 

the mood and music and art. 

Just a great movie and story. 

Anyways, 

I want to laugh it off as just life,

 but that would mean having to make things like "us" as everyday kinda things.

I don't believe that. It would destroy me to live like that with someone else, and hope for the best

and then do it over and over again until it stuck. Like we did?! That kinda life would kill me. 

So, I'm not really sure how to digest all this yet. 

But definitely weird sitting on the couch with my folks and 

still looking at Arizona 

and without Dan.

Always something I have to catch my breath a little about when I think of it all.

Ugh. Crazy, utter craziness.

I'm trying to think of things to do. 

Like telling myself not check his facebook

and

Not doing anything that reminds you of him (pretty much everything).

haha. oh boy. 

I can't believe this is my life right now. 

But I am prepared to make the best of this

awfully

stinky situation. 

Neeeeeeew situation...

Wishin there was a guide to this...

"life" walk-through version2.015

  Volunteer.

Think about next job.

Exercise.

Talk to friends.

Get out of here by Feb. 

Talk to family.

Don't think about Dan.

Volunteer more.

Help others.

I wish I had the energy to do more. 

really.

I hope this season ends soon.

haha and then I think about getting back to "real life"

and I'm like "What is my real life?"

I am prettttty pretty sure moving about is my real life. 

But am open to the possibility I am wrong.

I guess it's just easier these days to keep hoppin' and not sit still.

I never had a reason to before.

I know I have a super future ahead of me and all that jazz.

I'll get there someday. I'm in no rush.

And I'm really starting to understand the importance 

of appreciating

each day for itself.

Selfishly,

I am not exactly there yet, but I know I will be soon. 

Just shocking waking up to a life you didn't think would be yours,

and knowing you gotta put the shoes on everyday. 

Life really is so bizarre.

 So damn bizarre.

*add a good quote here of your choosing*

Not sure...

So, here I am walking off to my bedroom at night to be alone 

for the hundredth time. 

Or so it feels. 

I would rather be with you right now, 

and this is not how I imagined 

I would spend the month of December. 

Not where I thought I would be,

or who I'd be with, 

or what I thought I'd be doing. 

I'm still pretty much just runnin' 

on shock fumes. 

But I'm starting to understand what you said about people meeting for short times,

atleast

I'm trying to. 

Otherwise, I'd think I just got played. 

Who wants to think that?

But seriously, I don't think that. 

But I'm feeling like shit. 

I don't know how I'm gonna make it through a day sometimes. 

Who the hell wants to feel like that and know that those words are coming out of their mouth?

Yea, I feel dumb for saying that so-extreme talk.

Sometimes you just have to write it to see it. 

UGH

Well yea. People just meet other cool people along the way. 

I think that's what you said. 

Sure. I'll go with it. 

Do I really believe that?

Not about this case. 

But hell, if you need me to I'll throw it in there. 

'that pile'

BOOM

FIN.

(but I really don't believe it)

But, you seem to have your heart pretty set on this 

so I have to stop acting like a crazy lady about you. 

Because boyfriend's got bet-ter stuff to do.

Alright. Here I Go!

Gonna wake up and... be a better person!... in a better mood!...

cause nobody likes a mopey bitch...and "what did you expect, Ericka?" 

right!?!?

I must. 

Yea, no prob. I can do this.

One

Step

at

A

Time.

Brain shifting to the third circuit, forever in my mind...

So I finished my first Murakami book today as recommended by Dan.
I absolutely loved it, but unfortunately it was the right book at the wrong time.
Every word resonated where I am right now in losing Dan and in life.
Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. 
Fantastic.
The last part was the hardest to get through because it was all about choosing paths and what is best for yourself. And how sometimes you don't have a choice, you just keep going and do what you need to.

I opened your heart back up to love again, doesn't that have to account for something important.
You were a tumbleweed before we got together. You were happier then people had seen you in years. We were traveling and making omelets, and walking around the house being silly and dancing and singing, we were waving through the windows at each other everyday, we lounging around half-naked watching X-Files, and talking about the future and the past and unraveling what was to come and has been. We shared everything together. Our food, our toothbrushes, our steam and bank accounts, our underwear, our shower, our bed.

How am I being forgotten so quickly, what am I supposed to do?
I feel like I have been played,
You were by my side day in and day out for a year. Hugging and loving and smiling at me.
No matter how bad things were, I don't think it's worth this.

And I meant to just let go like a free fall during trust building exercises.
Close my eyes and fall backwards into what feels like eternity, but in actuality is only less than a second.

Driving to Bromo.
Driving around Surabaya.
Dinner out.
Episodes and video games.
Hotel rooms.
Drinks at home and at bars.
Sim city families and towns.
X-files, Adventure Time, Wilfred, The Walking Dead, Falling Skies?
Cuddles and early morning stretches.
Coffee and cigarettes.
Mexican night.
Homemade Mac and Cheese.
Donuts.
The surprise of heart notepads, jelly roll pens, and a new watch.
Spontaneity and lack of dull moments.
Books and morning internet checks.
Walking to the corner store, the food court.
The morning we awoke in the white lit room holding each other and realized it was all real.

It really means that little? Can I help but feel played?
This meant everything to me. I never want to share this with anyone else. How could I ?

Realization has sunk in that you have already burnt us in the fire with those documents.
That you are ready to start again so soon with someone else. Just like you did with me and Nadine.
Is this your pattern, is this just who you are, or is it something else?
I thought I was the start of something entirely different, or did you say that to the others as well?
I can't tell anymore.
I believed you though. and I still do. and I am willing to stay patient and do what I can to support you from so far away. Even if that means letting you try other girls and relationships. which I feel dumb for saying, but have no choice really since I love you and all.

All I know is that I am so sorry for pushing you so far. For judging you when all you wanted was the love I promised. You wanted the happy, calm, and fun that our existence together showed much proof of, but I always burnt in my depressed fury. I am so sorry that you feel the way I do now, unloved and judged for a past that is not indicative of the me now. I am so so sorry, and want to claim ownership of the damage I did, and turn it all around. Because I know we had something unique and were kindred spirits begging to start a crazy, great life together that many people will never find.
We were right there.
We were so close.
So close, I can't let go of it yet.
I know that I will see pictures of you two soon, and it will destroy me for a time.
I know you have moved on already.
I know I will have to let go sooner, rather than later, because fighting myself is futile.
I believe in us, I'm not sure if I can stop.
It's like you and Katie, it took you years to fall in love with someone again. and that someone was me. And all the while you thought it would never happen again, but it did.
I have to believe that means something.
So I will wait.
And the longer I think of you, the more I die inside. The more time that passes, the more I think of you and every single moment that was spent between us. I can only hope that it all meant something to you and you realize it soon. That what you are doing is the easy thing, the runner thing, the guy thing. I believe in you Danny, and I know you will do the Dan thing, and all I can hope is that deep in your heart you realize it beats for us and all that can and does comprise "us". All that you have been questioning and looking for was found in us, we both know that. Everything clicked and made sense. Don't let the bad times taint that Danny.

I am writing for an audience of one. And if you ever read this, you would hate it as much as you hate us. I sicken at the idea of a life without you. You sicken at the idea of me. Why can't I get it through my thick skull?!

I miss you indescribably Daniel Booton.

British humor, tea time, full heart

It's quite again, 

and all the holiday fuss has calmed down, 

and everyone is back to their normal lives. 

It's too quiet. 

Because when I realize that the whole world is still, 

and I won't hear your voice anymore, 

my heart catches its breath,

and the pain 

sits still in my belly

like a huge weight. 

We should have been laughing in China right now, 

we should be looking at all the cool sights, 

and jumping on our bed, 

and taking freezing cold smokes outside. 

Let it go Ericka, forget it. 

My body literally freezes 

at the thought. 

How the fuck do I move forward, 

What the hell do I do now? 

It's beginning of week three,

and I'm still frozen in place

not sure if I am any the wiser on 

what the heck is going on. 

I try really hard to think about how you must feel

and why. 

And I think I start to get it. 

But can't leave out all the
ways we were perfect together.
Do you really forget all the motor bike times, and
walking around times, and video game times,
and movie times,
and intimate times?
Was it really as meaningless as you are making it?
and what does it say that you don't care
about any meaning in us?
What am I supposed to think?
How do I read all of this?

Do I go down with the ship or
jump overboard?
My indecision leaves me
standing on board
in my finest gown,
bolted to the ground
with hands at shoulder shrug.

All I can decide by the time the water reaches my knees,
is that I have enough time to let my hair down
and take it out of the stuffy bun.
I enjoy shaking out the curls.
and when I come back up,
realize the dizziness doesn't stop.
So here I am,
planted firmly in a sinking ship.
Sounds dumb, because it is!
I want to feel dumb for saying and feeling all of this.
I am trying.
It just feels so wrong.
and you've already moved on.
Greeeeeeaaaaaaaaattt......

I want to say more, and I also want to delete everything I just wrote.
...
As tears stream down my face,
I awaken to realize that I have been down-timing in my brain
to take a break from the pain
by fantastically thinking of the day I see you again
and smiling to myself.
It's hard not to when all I do is miss you
and
think about all the good times.
But I have to wake up because I know it's
just a dream.
But every time I look inside,
all I see is love.
So I find myself just standing there,
crying,
trying to pull the beating heart out of my chest with
bare hands.
"How can I do this???How am I supposed to do this?!!!?",
is what I keep finding myself asking. 

Keep it in your head

I'm tapping my brain, tons of thoughts, not sure how to get them out or figure out what they mean.

So, he is talking to his old flame again. I was waiting for that. I knew it was coming.

I knew I was coming to an end, and I always knew how replaceable I was.

Why do I listen to them, why do I believe their tears, as they are professing love with their mouths and begging my heart to believe and relax. But as soon as I do, this happens.

He flew me as high as his wings could take us. 

He made sure I felt

the licks of rays on 

my back. 

And when he got tired of fighting the wind, 

he quickly dropped me off his wings,

and never looked back. 

And as I looked up from the place where I landed,

I saw two pairs of wings fly away

into the sun everlasting.

I fall for it every single time. 

I lick my wounds, and they heal in odd shapes and sizes. I hide them. I am not proud. 

I always bounce back with a smile. But inside, I feel distrusting and unloved. That's what I told you. 

You reassured me twas not the case. You made me promise I wouldn't hurt you like this. I forgot to make you promise. But at this point, promises mean nothing to you. Yet, this meant everything to me.

Did I chase you away, did you run away, were you always running, what is really going on? Because I thought we loved each other. But it seems more everyday that you never really loved me. Where is your fight, your will?! Wouldn't someone who really loved me fight for me? Isn't that what we said to our friends and family and enemies?! 

we love each other

Now you are happy to create as much distance as possible and forget all about me like I was a movie not of your taste, an awful taste in your mouth. 

Why did you spend so much time with me and on me and for me, if this was how you really felt? 

I do not want to think the worst of you. I don't I don't I don't. 

I get what you are saying, be gone, it's over, we're done. I shouldn't look back. 

But how can I not. I don't want this. and I have no idea how to go forward when the rug was pulled from under me. I'm licking as hard and fast as I can, but these wounds are still agape.  

I want to smack myself for being like this. But I have no idea how to proceed or process any of this. 

But you seem to know exactly how to do it, please give me a clue. I am so fucking lost. 

Yea, I hear everyone telling me to just let go, because how could a man who does this actually love me and it's just a lost cause because you are doing what many guys do. Just walk away. 

But after everything, I cannot believe that. You aren't just some tool who lived and breathed this life with me for a year through good and bad, and was ready to walk away at any minute because you really didn't care in the end. 

Are you?

I feel nauseated.
How can I be yesterday's news to a man I was meant to be in China with today.
He wants to walk around Shrewsbury with her. He wants to play with her son.
He wants to kiss her, and hold her, and fuck her. He wants to be close to her.
He wants to laugh with her and share his life with her, and always has.
That's how I'm yesterday's news. I was only a distraction.
I keep repeating the words in my head, "get over it, Ericka. Get over it!"
I should be able to get over it if I know all this. But none of it helps me to move on,
it just makes my heart shrivel in my chest and my stomach curl.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

The polite exchange

I wish I could shake your hand.

I wish I could just look at you and laugh

at how funny this all was in the 

spectrum of life.

"haha, that was a good game!"

"that was a pretty brutal match, good game"

And after a good clap on the back

and last laugh,

everyone keeps on their way around the compound 

of anthropomorphic gray suited figures.

The gray concrete, post-modern building watches 

as they flood in and out of its mouth

likes ants to their pile. 

They shake hands and practice

formalities. 

Exchanges are polite and amiable. 

But in the game arena, names mean nothing. 

Formalities are fucked. 

And their idea of fun is destruction. 

But at the end of the day. 

It was only a game. 

They know this. It isn't real.

And how could it be if they had to look at the chaos created,

the bodies and rubble and blood on hands? 

Life is too short to stay angry. 

Smile and move on. 

Constant movement.Don't stand still. Keep moving forward. Don't look back. Don't reflect.

I'd smile my big smile and laugh that dorky laugh of mine, 

I'd be nervous and shy,

I'd get chills at the brush of your skin

and goosebumps from the 

intimate gesture. 

I'd say  "Good Game!"

shake a few times and laugh awkwardly

...

12-1-2014: ...and not let go. I'd melt on sight and probably cry out of happiness.
The thing is...I get it now. and I want to laugh. 
Because I don't want to be angry. 
I still feel like I really don't get it, but sometimes I do. and I'm not sure if I do, 
or am going that bananas that I might be 
a bit of a brain-washed yuppy. 
I still don't really get it. and I am not sure if it will help or matters. 
I just feel like laughing at this right now because after all that we have gone through in a year, 
I want to think it meant something but obviously it was just a big joke on me
and I fell for it and ha ha. Good one. 
Cause if it was not a big joke, 
It makes no sense what it happening and I'm in a panic because 
X-bombs are raining from the sky and I have no idea what to do. 
I'm trying to laugh at it all instead of cry about it these days, 
because I am so at a loss at what to do right now. 
I keep telling myself to just move on, and can reassure myself for about 15 mins 
before I realize I don't have enough energy to keep
trying to push myself out a building at the 10th floor
when I don't want to leave and had no intention 
of thinking about my exit.

12-6-2014:...It's actually nice to look back at these old posts and see how I have 
changed just in the last few days.
I need to keep reminding myself that. 
I can do this.
I don't want to, but I will.
Maybe we both have a little of
The Men that Don't Fit In
in us. Maybe I'm wrong.
I don't see any point in that kinds of talk anymore,
Wrong and right.
seems so trivial hahaha
*sigh* 
Well If I shook your hand now,
I think I would cry and want some answers.
But not know how to ask them, or care if I had them. 
Because I probably already know. 
I still want you back in my life Danny pants.
But I am not in charge of that decision,
so I guess I have to just smile and wave 
adieu.