i just realized

What i just realized is

You were two hands

Cupped

Holding a small 

Beautiful fire

A flame really

And then i learned

Who i was

Who i am

And the flame turned into something uncontrollable. 

Too hot to hold, 

Or even touch. 

tie dye

Periwinkle, indigo, violet, and shades of pink. 

They seep out of my mouth and flow out into the room with each deep respiration. 

They leave from out of my pores and leak from my eyes that bulge with expulsion. 

These are the colors of my emotions as they mix and blend to make a unique pattern each time they press their way out, like a pimple exploding when pressed hard enough. 

Tonight's colors are especially beautiful,

But do not describe the emotion accurately at a glance. Beautiful is the opposite of the feeling. 

suffocation no breathing dont give a fuck if i cut my own breathing

 when i look in the mirror 

i dont recognize myself anymore. 

i dont recognize anything

i dont even see anything

i see my nothingness stinking and emenating where i used to be

i want to scream so loud

you dont fucking listen

its coming up 8 months

 and i already cant stand you

you are a coward

you are david

all over again

you are weak and compliant and soft and easy

you have no idea how to be you or speak up or do what is right over what is easy

you made a mess of your life like i did, but let it just be and keep letting all the poison push you around

you are still clinging to our childhood instead of embracing our adulthood

you want to run and hide from everything

i thought we would be a good match

but david and i could have stayed together as well

and i ran and screamed and i cried

i dont want to look at you, i want to slam the door and leave. 

i feel the same anger that Nash and Katie felt. 

you are so stupid

because you choose to do stupid things

and now im along for the ride. 

i am so angry

i dont know if i want you to die or me 

i just want out of this

you dont hold me anymore

you dont fuck me

you dont do anything but help the house out all the time. 

i hate you for working this summer to ease your mental anxiety over helping us by helping me. 

i want to scream and i will soon, but for now i just angrily write and write and think.

i hate you right now, and i want nothing to do with you.