As i sit here playing games

Makeup on

Hair curled

Cute flowery red dress

Smelling like a flower

Bopping my head to music

Looking like an angel basically

I realize its not good enough

Why

Because its not what you want

You want something else

What is it

Idk

But i just need

Myself

And that's enough. 

Beginner's luck, maribou state

im sorry

 im sorry. i

am a fake

a fraud

i am not the real me

the real me is somewhere over there, being locked away

this me

is a bad robot

a slave 

soulless

mindless

its not me

and im sorry you have to live with a lie.  

silent screaming

 it may sound strange

but it isn't hard to do.

what used to be 

is no longer there.

you want to scream at the hole

the void

the tangible shape of 

something that is no longer there 

to everyone else. 

Did they make it disappear,

refusing to admit its existence?

The idea of it enrages you. 

you want to hit something

anything

the wall

the bed

the mirror

smash the useless things around you 

burn them

stab them

tear away at the existence of all the useless shit that everyone else can see

but cannot feel

and cannot choose to make 

less important to visualize

than the actual real thing missing in front of them

everything is wrong

i have nothing to hit

no more words to say

i cant cry anymore

there is no privacy and my pain is a disturbance to the others around me

so out of respect

i 

am

silently

 screaming inside.