i just realized

What i just realized is

You were two hands

Cupped

Holding a small 

Beautiful fire

A flame really

And then i learned

Who i was

Who i am

And the flame turned into something uncontrollable. 

Too hot to hold, 

Or even touch. 

tie dye

Periwinkle, indigo, violet, and shades of pink. 

They seep out of my mouth and flow out into the room with each deep respiration. 

They leave from out of my pores and leak from my eyes that bulge with expulsion. 

These are the colors of my emotions as they mix and blend to make a unique pattern each time they press their way out, like a pimple exploding when pressed hard enough. 

Tonight's colors are especially beautiful,

But do not describe the emotion accurately at a glance. Beautiful is the opposite of the feeling. 

suffocation no breathing dont give a fuck if i cut my own breathing

 when i look in the mirror 

i dont recognize myself anymore. 

i dont recognize anything

i dont even see anything

i see my nothingness stinking and emenating where i used to be

i want to scream so loud

you dont fucking listen

its coming up 8 months

 and i already cant stand you

you are a coward

you are david

all over again

you are weak and compliant and soft and easy

you have no idea how to be you or speak up or do what is right over what is easy

you made a mess of your life like i did, but let it just be and keep letting all the poison push you around

you are still clinging to our childhood instead of embracing our adulthood

you want to run and hide from everything

i thought we would be a good match

but david and i could have stayed together as well

and i ran and screamed and i cried

i dont want to look at you, i want to slam the door and leave. 

i feel the same anger that Nash and Katie felt. 

you are so stupid

because you choose to do stupid things

and now im along for the ride. 

i am so angry

i dont know if i want you to die or me 

i just want out of this

you dont hold me anymore

you dont fuck me

you dont do anything but help the house out all the time. 

i hate you for working this summer to ease your mental anxiety over helping us by helping me. 

i want to scream and i will soon, but for now i just angrily write and write and think.

i hate you right now, and i want nothing to do with you. 

As i sit here playing games

Makeup on

Hair curled

Cute flowery red dress

Smelling like a flower

Bopping my head to music

Looking like an angel basically

I realize its not good enough

Why

Because its not what you want

You want something else

What is it

Idk

But i just need

Myself

And that's enough. 

Beginner's luck, maribou state

im sorry

 im sorry. i

am a fake

a fraud

i am not the real me

the real me is somewhere over there, being locked away

this me

is a bad robot

a slave 

soulless

mindless

its not me

and im sorry you have to live with a lie.  

silent screaming

 it may sound strange

but it isn't hard to do.

what used to be 

is no longer there.

you want to scream at the hole

the void

the tangible shape of 

something that is no longer there 

to everyone else. 

Did they make it disappear,

refusing to admit its existence?

The idea of it enrages you. 

you want to hit something

anything

the wall

the bed

the mirror

smash the useless things around you 

burn them

stab them

tear away at the existence of all the useless shit that everyone else can see

but cannot feel

and cannot choose to make 

less important to visualize

than the actual real thing missing in front of them

everything is wrong

i have nothing to hit

no more words to say

i cant cry anymore

there is no privacy and my pain is a disturbance to the others around me

so out of respect

i 

am

silently

 screaming inside.

/run on/

I am sitting here typing this out with 30 mins to spare
nehemiah is playing around in his tent but successfully sleep trained for a scheduled bed time.
huzzah!
Alec is out running.
Loki is snuggly curled into bed and waiting for him to come back home for bedtime.
I am watching a tv show about this weird family in Georgia, heating up an aromatherapy heating pad, smoking a big hit and stretching.
When you were leaving,
all i felt was anger.
i want so badly for you to choose to stay home with me and cuddle , for your longing to be with me to be larger than running.
but then i think about how running is really the only vestige you carry with you of yourself through all your phases. its really neat. and i want you to stay as true as you can to yourself in all of this, and i want you to be happy, and i want the hardness of our transition to be as eased as possible. i love you. and this has been difficult. i hate it. i want you to run your heart out. but i also want your heart to be right here next to mine. but its not. i want you. i need you. but i also need you to do you and love you. like i do.
i love you more than life itself.
i will continue to try to do better.
and make emotional choices that better us all.
i'm not even angry.
why would i be.
i just miss you.

Falling to my grave

I don't know which is worse

Pretending and going through the motions

Or just skipping them

And only showing the anger. 

Today

When i was in the shower

I closed my eyes under the water

And suddenly the floor fell away 

And only left me stranded on the two places my feet happened to be

I teetered

And tottered

As I tried to maintain the slivers of ground under my feet

Knowing if i moved

I would fall into the abyss

And if i stepped the wrong way

I would meet my demise.

It was only my feet

And everything else was far, far below. 

The fear of falling to my death was pounding in my heart as i failed to hold my position 

Steady and strong

I was too tired to keep my legs from wobbling. 

it started as coal and ended as a diamond

Your love was something i needed and never knew until i got it 

I drank from your love

And suddenly i was cured

From an illness i never knew i had

And i could see all the colors the world had to hold

You're the only serious relationship I've been in that hasn't started or been filled with alcohol to fuel me,

Which blows my mind away and tells me how pure and different this is. 

march 19 2020

It pours out from inside of me,

Spilling out,

Hot and dangerous,

Toxic and lavacious

Wrinkle in Time

I find my love in the creases that time has written on your face. Marking each year like the rings of a tree. Recording the experience that only you know. As i lay here in your arms, i find my love, softly laying itself within them. Walking up and down the corridors of each line as if perusing the catalogs of a library. Wanting only to know a glimpse of each book cover. And caressing the rough edges of each memory until all that remains is A smooth relic of monument you once built. 

Apr 7 2020

9/2/19

Light breaks box wooden frames in paper houses,

Dust particles blend with feelings left unsettled.

The true meaning is revealed when pieces take their final rest,

Seemingly in this version, they never find solace.

june 29 2019

I remember this feeling.

 from dreams. 

Paralyzed yet mobile. 

I move at a snail's pace. 

april 22 2019

you tell me that you want me to be you tell me that you want me to put on some weight, because you like big girls. But what does that really mean? I think about my mind pages through all the women that I have previously seen you with or I have seen on your Facebook as your past relationships. And I think of how many of them were chubby, or which of them or which of their names make some sound like a chubby girl? And I think do you really like chubby girls and that's why you want me to put on weight? Or is it that you want me to be you? And you want me to feel like you do? And in that same thought I wonder, do you feel so big because you feel like an unavoidable and unmistakable presence? Or do you feel disgusting and fat and love like you used to be and think of that as something that is grotesque? What is it that you truly want me to feel when you say you want me to put on weight because you like chubby girls? What are you trying to tell me? And anyways, I don't care what you like, or whether I fit that profile. I love who I am, and I turned my cell phone, and that's enough for me. and really it's enough for whoever it needs to be oh, I don't really care. so please stop telling me how you want me to be because I love myself the way I am and it may change in the future and it may not but it's really not yours control it's only mine and I love it that way.

june 24 2017

You think i hate myself for doing this, but i do it because i believe in myself and my skills. I can do anything, but i choose to do whatever i am doing at any given time for a reason. Like a bird interested in what it seems below. 

I have been in partnerships my whole life,  since i was born, and i love them and promote them over solodom, having experience both. 

I believe in the transformative abilities of teamwork. 

I favor partnerships and choose them purposefully because i like interesting and unique partners like my family members. 

I believe in my ability to be a great and supportive partner and always choose connection over other things in a moment. I stay because i believe i can help people quickly push past adversity that they would take much longer to do themselves. Through this bond i make life connections. 

I don't believe in giving up until my captain threatens the safety of the whole ship seriously. Then i sail away. 

I find nothing wrong with liking partnership over singledom, or a joined life over a me-centered one. It is unhealthy that I choose to stay in one where the man is clearly unwilling or under the influence of my drug or another.  I should learn to get to know men before giving them my heart and expecting them to be able to walk the walk. I should watch them demonstrate their abilities before i just believe them and get mad later when it was all false. 

I should know guys will say whatever they need to sleep with me and i will continue to trust no one. This is an effect you have on people and you need to come grips with the power you hold and how responsible you should be with it. 

Flood

Here it comes again,

The familiar feeling,

My stomach in knots 

As i watch the large wave raise,

Tsunami on an empty shore

I watch the waves until they block out the sun

And welcome the flood. 

What is it hiding?

Behind the waves threatening to consume me

I am not blind

I saw it from miles off

And still

I chose to stay still and accept it 

When the truth comes out

Will it be accepted fully or slide it's way down my throat like a meal you just don't want to eat?

typical Ericka

I've never gotten it

But always wanted it

So misunderstood

And vindictive. 

Pms brings out the cougar

And she wants to be pet. Hard. 

Stroked. Lovingly. And hard. 

Everyone talks about how typical it is for me to be out of control. 

But what i want

Is that centering rod

Deep in me

I want to feel my entire body shake 

Like my brain is 

And feel the two shake into synchronicity. 

One human vibration, tuned, to quiet silence

And no longer the high pitch hum of the bowls.

I want it to pierce the ice around my heart

And let the warm juices heat it up.

I need to quiet the inner voices

With the sound of your sweet breathing. 

Fill me up with all your love, 

In the times i feel darkest.

I've always been given things,

But not when I ask and desperately need it. 

Then I lash out 

Because i feel so forsaken

And lonely. 

And now

Ms.understood. 

Can you figure me out? 

Can you find the spot

That gets me flowing

In only love and warmth and calm serenity

??? 

i wish

I wish we could be making out under a tree in a park somewhere. 

Here

There

Everywhere

Prague

Huntington Beach

Islas

Anywhere that is just me and you, 

enjoying the sun

And the trees

And life. 

but i am here 

and you are there

and i'm not sure how we 

connect again.

i wish we could be resting under this tree

but i can't find you anymore. 

Pascal pinon-

bloom. 

window shopping: lives

I'm laying in bed, listening to the voices out the window. They are laughing, 

And having fun, 

And i instantly want to be out there.

I think of putting clothes on right away

And hopping into their circle. 

Then i think, what would you think

Or want.

Me outside or in?

I want to be respectful and also

Take advantage of my nights if I'm not schooling or mommying.

Sometimes i crave it. 

And i want to say fuck you right now for not getting why you fuck me on Saturday nights, 

But then i remember you have no idea why i need to free this energy. You're not me

So you can't know.

And then i get more realistic

And think about how disappointed i would probably be

How isolated

Not trusting is this instance may leave me with covid 19 😂😂😂 

But seriously.

Inside jokes out of my scope

Nothing intellectual, if anything mostly the opposite

It'll be lame

It will feel lame

"You just want to laugh and have a good time"

Wishing it could be with you though

Not strangers

But we get what we can on nights with cravings like these

And mostly regret it

"Why didn't i stay home..." 

No

I think back to the moments i told myself i didn't want to be anywhere but here

And now i am

So sit your butt down, girl

And eat yo cake, bitch. 

I forget the only reason i feel like this

This surge of life

Is because of you

And I'm staying right here

All

Because

Of

You. 

all love songs

All i hear is love songs

Everywhere

And I can't believe 

Its

FinaLLy

YOU. 

Finally. 

It feels so good. 

So beyond any words my puny brainy vould conjure up. 

It's you. 

It's finally you. 

Hi. 

I missed your spirit. 

I can't wait to see what's ahead. 

So glad to be together again

And feel whole. 

Water never tasted as sweet. 

onion

I used to wear layer upon layer,

Trying to hide who I was 

My shape

My form

My being

My light. 

Ultimately,

I was trying to bury my light so nobody would see me

I didn't want to be seen

Or made known

For fear of what others would say

In fear of what has been said before.

I will no longer bury the light

Or my form

 

I will continue to fight for my existence

And presence

To be known

And not in an arrogant way

But as a leader

My light will guide

My light does guide

Men, women, children

I fear no fate 

My light will guide, and heal, and fly me far from the binds that try to hold me down, while people attempt to spit in my face, or demoralize me. 

I will be far from it all. 

Because I've embraced, harnessed, stoked the flame

That lights the hottest fire

You could never imagine

Right inside

This tiny frame

With beating heart

And coursing veins

And bubbling blood

Dying to soak up every last bit of sun in these frail bones. 

"I'm a little bit of everything, wrapped into one"

"There are so many secrets ...it's those secrets that keep you along." Little fires Everywhere, 

I used to tell men they didn't love me
in response to their "I Love yous"
It was an automatic response 
I always thought it had to do with them
not ever being able to love me right
or in a real way. 
And i was right!
How can anyone love me, if they don't know the true me?
It was me
that was hiding, in all those blankets, and pages, and bathrooms, 
hiding, all the time.
I never let any person know the true me,
mostly out of fear
and then from judgement. 

You are the only one.

My only one. 

The only one I let near without any fear. 

You are my rock

my refuge

my fire. 

I feel nothing but love and the buds of my being opening up to your warmth. 

I know in your hands I can grow, 

as tall and colorful and loud as I want, 

Blowing to and fro, without any consequence,

and you will always keep holding me with all the warmth

and joy and pleasure, 

and keep watering me, 

and grounding me,

and lighting me, 

and enjoying my growth and beauty. 

you are my only one

thee only one

and I never want to be apart from you again.

even now, 

my chest glows with the most vibrant heat and light, 

that are only existing within me 

because of you. 

I remember your smile 18 years ago to this day

i dream about you 

even in wake

the feeling of your skin

against my lips

the smell of your neck

fills me up 

in one breath

the warmth you transfer

into my hands

the weightlessness brought

by sinking into your chest and 

resting in your arms

i am yours

forever

i hope you will stay mine

i can't imagine a life without you anymore

to see you leave 

is the saddest part of my week

and to leave your door

sends me into defensive mode

as i choke back tears

and crack jokes instead

to mask the bitterness

of walking away from you

i remember the first time i sank into your arms

and felt safer then i had ever felt before

and the moment 

i knew 

that this was home

i think of your eyes

how they pierce into the furthest parts of me

and at the same time

send electricity coursing through my body

just one sincere look

i think of how your hands search

for my body to hold

or my face to kiss

or for my own hands to hold 

i think of how you lie with me

and tell me your secrets

i think of how we laugh

oh how we laugh

big, small, chuckles, and rolling

it never seems to stop

when i close my eyes, sweet man

every single time

i see your face, smiling 

the sweetest smile i have ever seen

and i feel your heart

beating in my chest 

because it is so big

that it 

encourages mine

to beat even harder

and do better

because anything is possible.

your love is something i never thought existed

your entire person in fact

and i was not prepared

for the responsibility

of loving the greatest man alive

but i will give my greatest attempt

to love you entirely

unconditionally

respectfully

and hope that it is enough

to keep you by my side

my truest of trues

my deepest of loves

nothing else before you was real or true

my life was leading up to this point

when my heart could beat without fear

and my voice could speak without consequence

leading to you

and the beginning of it all

life

true life

founded on love and acceptance

when your fingers lock into mine

i know

we were always one

we have always been one

just as the universe illustrates

but now i can hear her

and the melodies of her work

singing quietly in the beating of your heart

and the exhale of your breath

we were always one

welcome to the beginning

of truth as we know it.

Dreams and schemes

I've always wanted a polaroid polara like the one you have. 😊
Now i do. Childhood dreams, achieved, with you.
Also,
I am pretty pissed about the wedding invitation thing.
You could just ask them you know. You really aren't putting any effort into it. Which i find most hurtful.
I hate weddings, but I'm a great side kick to anything. ANYTHING. yes, i was hoping for Miguel to be there and for us to smoke and allow everyone to be, joyous and what not, and even though he wasn't invited and i was bummed, i mean, you asked me and said you had a plus one and i planned on being by your side there.
I even bought a few new dresses for the occasion.
Sooooo, kinda rude, but ultimately, you may be doing me a favor.

Cup=half full.
I am melting at the thought of your love and how it electrifies my every nerve. In only the best of ways, my love.

"Where's my mind?"-Copeland

I am the happiest i have ever bean.
You are the most tender and affectionate and loving man I have ever known.
you are patient, and inquisitive, and indulging.
you make me a better person.
you make me want to be a better person.
you are the light of my life.
seriously.
the light you give off is something so different,
more different than i have ever experienced before.
and even though i get pissed off about a few things
i can talk to you about it and we can work it out
pronto.
and i love it
i love our open feed of communication and respect.

i said lets talk about this sex situation
fixed
get off your damn phone
fixed
but this last one
is all me
and im not sure how to fix it
im jealous
because i love you so much
and i see you as someone so much better than me
and i know other women see it
and want it
and i dont want to give it up.
i dont know what to say
how do i express my jealousy
in a healthy way?
let me rephrase :
how do i express i am feeling jealousy in a healthy way?
i want to be honest.
i thought i was all that and a bag of chips
then i caught your glare in my eyes and i feel pale in comparison.
i feel empty when i see how full you are.
i can only imagine the beings that gravitate towards you.
people who want to feed off that light.

i
    want
            it
                all
                     to
                         myself
i'm starting to feel jealous off our talks of old partners, and im the one that always does it.
i got myself used to it because i feel like i should be able to stomach it, even though i never have done it well at all. never. and i keep telling myself that mature people do it. stomach it and even dgaf.
but i do. and the more i talk about my past partners, the harder i am trying to pretend idgaf.
but its all false. i do care. i don't like the bringing up of pasts. but it is important. it is me. it is you. it is real. and it needs to be released. so i will stomach it as long as i can. but i do feel jealous.

i know you are mine. as i am yours. and we are the only light that catches each others eyes.
so i know in my heart that i have nothing to worry about. it is only my brain that is trying to stir shit up. and i will hold strong.

i spent all night last night apologizing to you. because i was in my head. i did feel something.
and i couldn't exactly pinpoint it. it's like my body is trying to sabotage me, overthinking everything. i realize that the root was that i didn't want to mess this relationship up and lose you. i really really dont want to. i want you forever. but i couldn't stop myself from throwing all the barriers up from making things happen smoothly. i couldn't get out of my head. and even now, i can't and it hurts. i want to stop thinking. i just want to sink into my heart feelings and be utterly in love and infatuated with this beautiful person who has penetrated my life in all the layers and ways i could never have imagined allowing anyone to do.

i am scared to mess this up. by being me. and i can't get out of the hole.
pull me out please. i want to be back in the light with you.  i want to be with you.
always. all ways. i want this forever . this feeling of tear jerking joy.
i couldn't have imagined a better life and love than this. i want to keep it. and never let go.
you are the one. you are the most amazing person i have ever met. without even trying that hard.
you just are. and it gives me the feeling of implosion when i realize you have set your sights on me of all people.
im a bag of shit.
i dont deserve you.
i tried to ruin it all in one fail swoop.
and then gave up on ruining it all after i realized i couldn't .
you want me. as much as i want you. and nothing will change that.
but i still have this ptsd coursing through my body that sends fear in pails of blood to my brain,
and i freak out and grow tense and terse and act like an idiot. i don't wanna be the push over piece of shit anymore, so i pretend to be the cool girl. you said i was acting weird and i blamed it on weed.
but it was just me, freaking out. i don't know how to combat the part of me that says it will all end and that i am not good enough and will just ruin this in the end anyways with my shittyness.

the pain from the past is eating away at me, and attacking you as a way to deflect the attention away from the gaping hole in my brain and chest that says, you will never find love, you will always be alone, you dont deserve anything good to last because you are a piece of garbage.

I pull the blankets up to my chin. 

The cold pierces through all the layers.

I'm shivering. 

Unsure if it's the cold air and distance between 

Our bodies

Or the ice captivated within my chest. 

It's hard to tell. 

I want to know.

My body insists i pack up and leave

To avoid any discomfort.

This is all about you.

Isn't it?

Just leave and let him come to you later.

This isn't what i wanted. 

I don't believe in love. 

I just wanted sex and company. 

I want to be free. 

I don't want to think about relationships. 

Or how to make them work.

I want to free myself from visiting the neural pathways that are now seeking to 

Have electricity surging through

Them. 

They want to be awakened like a 

Mummy in a deep sleep. 

They remember how to do this

Each time

Every time

Fighting to be the primary emotions

How is it different this time 

How can i make it different this time

I don't want to be alone

I'm so tired

Of this

Or of that

I'm still unsure

I'm cold

I want to go home

Even still

Your body lies next to me

Exhaling softly

But my love for you has changed

Already the sinews

Snap and we are one

Apart.

Please don't leave

It's only just begun.

Go eat a bag of dicks

Oohhh all this free time?! What are you gonna do?!?
Duh, the answer is simple.
You speak it and don't execute.
You haven't seen Nehemiah all week,
And i had to lie to get time to go get fucked,
By someone else at first,
Then by you in the end.
Only reason i saw you midweek.
Even though you are available as fuck.
The only thing you are committed to is yourself.
It is pretty obvious.
I'm ready to spend all my time with you.
I'm free!
And you're like nah,
But i love you and can't wait to be with you.
🙄
Are
 you
  Fucking
    Serious
😑
Same as all the rest of them rn.
Even with your generous sincerity.
Don't talk about travel and mountains and snow
Without mentioning me in it.
How fucking rude.
of course you have to take us.
What else would you do?
Cause pretty soon it'll be the four of us,
And you still think for two.
Please stop bothering me with all this joined at the hip shit
And planning for just you.
And not visiting us.
Its repulsing me.
You talk so big
And move so small.

Please
I'm not
Available.

I just said IMHO
With no restraint
In full belief that this was the best
And natural
Thing to say.
Surrounded by the decay,
I rot away inside the sane way.
Loved ones gone,
Pain
And joy
Experienced.
I had to explain today to a 10 year old
What
Joy and
Hope
And Faith was.
I love being a teacher.
But i can't teach pain
And I can't help you understand
The hard
And difficult
And painful
Thing, that will ultimately come
To devour you
Until you are the decayed
Rotted away
By years of pain
And experience.
This is life
This is love
This is real.