9/15
Purring beast,

sweet smell, 

tearful tunes,

hands on wheel.

Let the sweet lullabye sing you to sleep.

Carbon monoxide fills the lungs, 

welcome the wanted release. 

Roll up the window, 

hope no one hears, 

your eyes are getting heavy.

Should I write a note, 

will it help anyone,

will they throw it in the bin?

Minutes are counting,

down to the seconds,

pray that nobody comes.

The air is heavy,

blood running thick with 

poisons you hope will work.

It's not about you,

why can't you see,

this is about and for me.

I am tired, and worn, 

I have heard it all, 

It is always the same,

sound and words. 

It's either too much or too little,

the same,

I can't find my balance as a human,

I've asked for help,

no answers 

The last drive

Cold air,
windows down.
Sun down,
beyond the trees.
Breeze blowing,
blue sky.
Hands on wheel,
slight glances at each other,
sad and hopeful.
Luggage loaded,
cigarette lit.

Ash in the wind. 

I opt for the runner. 

I leave when the house is empty.

The taxi plays all the hits. 

I think of you and how much I hate you.

Luggage loaded, 

hair


9/15

All I can hear in my head right now

Schemas

I am torn between schemas,
I am not sure whether to give into my adrenaline rushes and
fight or fly.
I wonder,
how was he different to Katie.
Whom he loved so much.
How?
How did he ask her to do things he could never ask of me
with a joyful and giving heart,
that kept wanting to give to her?
That took so long to detach from?
And the moment I become involved in those ways,
I get violently swept away in nonsense.
Is it me,
or is it him?
Do I fight and hope for better days?
or do I fly away and leave the beast to cradle himself to sleep and dream the pain away?
I should just fly away,
it is times like this that let me know that my place is not here, with him, and it is because of him.
He does not want me here,
he doesn't want this to be his life.
He is not happy.
he is not in love.
He wants someone else and something more.
he is tired.
He is putting on a smile just for me, and I see straight through it.
This is not me, this is not what I want, this is not going anything like I wanted, this is awful.
How do I let him go, without hurting myself?
I am not sure it is possible.
I need to fly soon though, before this goes too far with us both knowing these things about him.
I feel like an awful person for not saying anything more, but when I try to, he says the thoughts in my head must stay in my head and that is all. They mean nothing more. And not reflective of how he feels.
We laugh like we are laughing at how silly I am, but it is only for how silly his lie is.
I am no match for this man and his wants of this world.

I am only a girl.
Who will set the world on fire one day.
You can't have love and save the world, can you?





https://youtu.be/KWZGAExj-es

I hate love

I hate love.
I hate this tangle of webs i feel inside.
I hate loving someone I know will never love me, but refuses to let me go.
How do you walk away from someone who thinks its all you?
How do you not want to fight back and say "wake up buddy, it's you!"
He has said every imaginable mean thing you could say to someone, like a child would, and refuses to admit he needs to grow up.
I feel hollow and small and mushy.
All i want to do is sleep.
i hate myself for even writing this, because he told me he hates my writing and finds it trite and self-absorbed.
He also loves everything Kerri writes.
I feel like a shell.
a soft delicate shell.
with cracks and holes.
and im covering my head from the blows, literally and metaphorically.
But nothing stops them from coming and me feeling them.
It's all because im unbearable.
now.
but tomorrow,
im loved because im the most beautiful and wonderful creature on earth.
not deserving of respect and love,
but still, the good words come.
and then, the bad words come.
and im laying on the floor covering my head and crying,
hoping it will all stop soon and wondering if i can calm him down or if i should just leave him alone.
nobody will ever love me for me.
everyone wants something from me.
that is the only way someone will love me.
if i give them what they want and ask for.
That's what I wanted from Cory, what I asked for.
and he gave in because of Poon.
I wanted a stupid and unattached thing,
something petty and meaningless to what I just came from.
Something opposite of what I had.
I am losing my mind.
Trying to figure out which connections still work in this machine we built,
which ones are dead,
which ones are fixable.

Limbo. 

I feel weightless

suspended in the liquid of my own tears and snot and blood. 

Unable to move or propel myself forward

or back 

or any direction really. 

No sound.

no feeling,

I shout and scream, 

but no words or sound come out. 

Suddenly, 

the white light turns into shapes, 

and im living in a cubism dream.

I see myself in a straight-jacket. 

Crying and screaming to get out. 

but I'm just crazy, so nobody listens. 

I'm the only one who knows I'm not crazy. 

I'm on my knees, trying as hard as i can to get loose. 

Tears stream from my red eyes. 

My face is contorted into that ugly cry face. 

Everyone hates the cry face. 

He says its embarrassing that I lay in bed all day. 

I say its embarrassing to come downstairs after playing video games all morning and afternoon and feeling exhausted, only to go back to it after dinner. 

He says we need to smoke less, but surely, smoking only keeps me level and gives me something to look forward to. 

He doesn't realize it though.

He thinks that his back keeps me company, and his back gives me warmth and love. 

I've memorized every mole and curve, 

and still it brings me no comfort to watch it everyday and every night. 

I'm still alone. 

I'm still cold. 

I'm still looking at a back. 

Sometimes it makes me sad 

when I forget what your face looks like. 

When I think Ill never see you again. 

That I will grow old somewhere else, 

and you'll grow old here and with someone else. 

and I will have no idea what your life is like, 

Ill just know that you are happy, 

and that I can never be with you again. 

What will I do.?

Who will i be?

where will i be?

Sometimes your face blends with Dave's,

and all I see is a man looking back at me.

Mustache and beard stubble,

dark hair, 

collar bones and t-shirt.

I'll miss your big hands.

Do you even care that there was a person on the other side of your lies?

Your self loathing and self righteousness?

That I was a girl hurting and crying and bleeding?

A girl that you said you loved.

I was on the other end of those actions, 

letting the puss and blood and piss drip down the tube into my throat, 

as you released it and felt better that you were healthier. 

What about me?

But you were hurting too, you say. 

And the fact that I asked you to come to KTV with me because I wanted to not be alone, and be with my love, and try something new, and let him guard me from the onslaught of sexuality that gets thrown my way when people are drinking. I said if you loved me, why wouldn't you want to do this for me. 

You said you didn't love me and that I was a stupid girl.

You cheated on me. 

and yelled at me.

and blamed me.

Just like David. 

I fall for it every time. 

Why are you such a stupid sucker Ericka.

All I want is to be gone. 

Reminder to self:

You are strong
you are beautiful
you are kind
you are smart
you are funny
you are generous
you are thoughtful
you are sensitive
you are intelligent
you are mean
you are hard
you are sexual
you are silly
you are innocent
you are likable
you are friendly
you are a good singer
you are good at giving
you are non-judgemental...most of the time
you are hard working
you are good with your hands
you have a great memory
you are beautiful without makeup
you are beautiful in makeup
you are good at extending yourself
you are flexible
you are a great worker
you are great with children
you have a heart like a child
you are naive
you are selfish
you are jealous
you stick to your morals and values
you are open minded
you are great at learning languages
you are great at learning in general
you are thirsty for knowledge
you don't judge a book by its cover
you are a good reader
you are a good listener
you are a good talker
you are creative
you are imaginitive
you are child-like
you are forgiving
you are relentless
you are tenacious
you are strong headed and stubborn
you are free spirited
you are open for most things and easy to get a long with
you are a good friend
you are a good sister
you are a good daughter
you are a good partner
you are sensitive
you are judgemental...sometimes
you arent a fair fighter
you are quick to anger
you are at peace with yourself
you are at peace with the world
you understand
you laugh a lot
you have great teeth
you can always bring a smile to someones face
you are fun to be around
you are a quick learner
you are great at almost anything you set your mind to
you are stubborn....again
you
are
you
and that is good enough

B a noBody

"Come on come on,
B a noBody,
just like me."

You have forgotten who I am.
You are so familiar and comfortable.
You have forgotten all the good qualities about me,
that separate me from everyone else.
I can't blame you.
But I can't love you.

This is exactly what I always wanted.
To be loved for who I was.
full stop.
I told you that one day ago.
and you told me you could have done that.

I guess times run out.
Now you don't even love me.
and you don't even know me.

I am a noBody.
So why do you stick around.
its sickening and maddening.

This is the opposite of what I asked for.

I am not loved, for who I am not.

Everything good about me has been erased by you.
Because you are an angry selfish prick.
So I must not be good or worth a shit.

Everyone has forgotten me, for you.
and you have forgotten me, for you.

This is painful to watch.
as I am not a part of my own self anymore.
I am a spectator of me.
I am disjointed from myself.
And you are loved for exactly who you are, and won't let anyone tell you anything else.
you crack at the thought of anyone devaluing you.
How dare I ?!
But you, are loved, and cherished, and remembered.
You, holder of all things good,
you, king of yourself,

I guess british blood runs thick.

Better to have lost then to love

When will you get it?

Why don't you get it?

He will never love you and never has, 

and the only reason he came back was because

he going through a mid life crises. 

You are just a part of it. 

You are just a pawn.

He is moving you where and how he likes.

I have no choice on the matter, 

and my thoughts are of no value. 

Just get it through your thick, bruised skull. 

HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU OR WANT YOU. 

use it to walk away.

to take yourself out of the equation and leave him floundering.

The idea that he might get on better and have a good life after all 

he has done makes me angry and sick.

It keeps me here. 

Today is the day you walk right?

Today is the day you step out of the line of fire. 

It's not a matter of doing better, 

just escaping this life. 

I will escape this life. 

I have been meaning to research ways of committing suicide without pain,

I don't want to die with lots of pain or in a slow manner.

If I had a gun. That would be super. 

But I don't. 

It'll probably be household items. 

It doesn't matter how patient, and honest, and loving

I am. 

It doesn't matter what I say or do. 

He doesn't understand or want to, 

because he just wants me gone and doesn't love me.

So just do the man a sweet favor before you leave this world.

and let him be free. 

Mexican Mermaid

I write with red for the passion in my blood. 
The want to be on the other side, to be part of a world that isn't mine.
My hunger for this world turns to lust and passion, it becomes a sick fascination.
I want to be part of a world that isn't mine and will never be mine, and when I finally 
have it,
I don't want it and I realize I had the answer all along in the millions of words that I have written and 
the analyzing of a million parts. 
I am not meant to be here, I am not meant to be this person, and I have tried to warp myself into a being that would fit. 
I don't like what I see in the mirror and I don't like what it is I have to offer the world right now which isn't much considering the potential I have in my body and the evidence of my past that says I used to make a difference. 
Now I am solely an instrument of destruction. 
How do I get out of this spot?
I only have feelings for Dan when I am fighting for or with him. 
In the calm, I feel nothing for him. 
and I don't want to. 
I want to leave the loser and I want to leave him broken and penniless. 
I want to take what he has and destroy it. I want to leave him like he has made me. 
He is a child in a man's body and will never be anything else. 
He will remain this way until his father dies, in which time he will take over as the 
Booton man loser. The King of the loser clan, more powerful, more of a loser, and more destructive. 
How can I say this about someone if I love them?
The answer seems easy. 
I do not love him, and I never will. 
But why do I sit here and agonize when I can hop on a plane, go home and start over?
Because I will find a way to absolutely destroy him in time,
because I don't want him to hurt. I want him to burn and to watch as it happens. 
So enjoy your wank in the shower, monkey.

Be careful what you wish for...

I live with a man that is a ghost. 
A ghost of someone who used to love me. 
If it can change so quickly, was is the big deal about caring for people who love us?
Can't they care about other things just as quickly and none of it mean a thing?
Isn't that how I got stranded in this love , in this world, watching everyone and everything, interacting and moving forward, as I sit still?
I asked for Daniel back, I wanted our relationship and the feelings that went with it. 
What I got was Daniel, and someone I 

Surprise, Surprise Reprise

Not surprised. 

On a couch, singing oldies, like I was in Indo, by myself. 

hah. 

oh what a life. 

Sorry I wasn't enough your majesty. Hope you are happier in the future. 

One More Time with Feeling

He left China,
He couldn't take the heat.
and I left the apartment and walked to the pub with Cory.
He lost it, and beat the crap out of me when I came home.
After waking up in my own vomit,
I tried to find him,
and found nothing but silence.
Eventually he called me from the airport and said goodbye.
I followed him to England.
and here we sit in separate rooms,
at his parents cottage in Wales.
Saying we are gonna try and figure this all out.
I quit my job and spent too much money trying to get here.
I am a thousand dollars in debt.
I can't see the way out,
but I do want to stay for a bit and have a proper farewell before
this entire thing falls apart for the last time.
I can't figure it out anymore.
I listened to him,
I let him be the bastard he wants to be,
and all I can do is love him and try and say goodbye with that in mind.
I need to leave soon,
but I can't help but holding out for hope.
as he does the same.
Last night I felt hopeless and fell asleep in tears on the couch
he was kind to me and made dinner.
Then we watched movies till the next fight about
artists on the voice not being real artists because for the show they do other peoples songs.
that is selling out and cancels out their artistry.
I disagreed and we fought.
I just figured, I was fighting for something that they couldn't fight themselves for.
For him to be kind and see what he should,
and not only what he wanted to.
I just want him to be kind, and he can barely be kind to me,
let alone others.
He says its me that does it to him. cause without me, he is a kind soul.
This is a total lie.
I shouldnt be trying to change him anymore.
He is who he is.
And I know he would be better in some ones else's hands,
but I love him so much,
so entirely,
it's hard to want to let go of someone you will never meet the likes of again and brings such
a vigor and motion to life, that without, seems dull and pointless.
But what can I do.
If he wants to be cruel and unkind to not only me, but others, than what hope is there.
Maybe another woman can come and change him in an instant to a man who doesn't want to hurt others.
That isn't a life, that is a taking of it. and its not your right, it's a thievery.
Love isn't about changing other people, it's about finding what makes life seem worth being better for. To make it last until the very last few seconds with the person who you don't want to leave this awful world for.
Love is fucking a word, the feeling and sentiment that leads us to use the word is what matters and it cannpot be described in a sentense or two.
it is so much more and im starting to lose it.
How do you tell someone to wake up before it's too late,
not only for the relationship, but just for themselves. Before he lets himself slip into the abyss of cynicism and doubt and self-loathing.
You can't, and I won't stay for it. I would love to be that strong.
But it has nothing to do with forcing myself to be unhappy for the man I love.
He should want better for me, he should love me better than this if he is honest in the good times.
But he isn't. He wants me for the sake of wanting something good.
but that will never amount to anything but him trying to beat his brains out for something he doesnt believe.
good luck to you sir.
UGGGGHHHH, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MYSELF!!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BODY INTO THE SKIES AND CRY TILL I COLLAPSE.

For Lack of Words

Dear Daniel, 

I hope this is for reals. And that you mean what you are saying. Cause I don't have time for this shit anymore. 

If it is real, than I have all the time in the world. But for these games. nuh-uh mister. 

So when I go to the airport on Sunday to pick you up in Beijing, you better be there and loving me more than you ever have before. This better be what I deserve after all this rag doll shit. 

He is coming here and I will be reunited with my man, and I have no idea how to process it all right now and can't. My body physically can't. 

My brain is excited. and my heart beats hard sometimes. But then I make is stop. I am good at that these days. 

Please, let's do this right babe, and allow it to work. We have a natural flow. Let it be. 

:) 

I love you. I can't wait for you to be here and in our place with me. Doing our thing. 

I gave up for a while, and you raced to pick up the pieces. So let's see if it can be fixed. 

You and I. 

^.^

Love, 

Eri

Surprise, Surprise

I'm sitting on a couch in China,
reading through the emails Dan and I sent around New years,
and relating them back to how now he is saying they didn't mean a God damn thing.
and he was wrong to write me.
and its over.
and he wont be coming to China.
and he cheated on me with Kerri and was with her all while we were separated.
and I slept with a dude named Cory from Ohio.
and felt nothing.
and asked Cory not to kiss me or look at me or do anything serious.
Just fuck.
and it means nothing to me.
While Dan says he really likes Kerri,
but wanted to be with me.
and I begged him to come and he said no.
after the month of online dating.
he said sorry and is about to be gone after tonight.
and ill hang with Cory and the guys at work.
I want to die right now.
I can't believe I let myself get here again.
I knew he was the same.
I knew it was a mistake.
Why can't I say no to him.
My life seems like it'll be filled with so much emptiness after this.
Like it did when we were separated.
and my insides are crying as I maintain a hard outside.
and all the office people tell me how cool I am.
I feel like a fraud.
thing is, they would love me more if they knew I was me while doing this other heartbreaking thing.
All I want is Dan though.
But not anymore.
I know he doesn't love me after all these things.
Nothing means anything to me anymore.
I know everything, and I am aware. And I do not like life or care.
I always meet men when I am broken.
This time. I dont want anymore. and am using Cory. Being absolutely honest about it, and watching him get attached.
I am questioning the very foundations of existence.
and wishing science would do its things and reveal that I am nothing but dust.

I can only keep doing this for so much longer.

November Tale

Here I am,
working on packing,
watching Girls on the big screen.
relating it to my life.
eating strawberry wheaties,
drinking tea,
about to smoke a bit,
surrounded by a room full of my only possessions.
haha
wow
life is weird.
im really enjoying this though :)

And yet ...

She is still unhappy with the answers.
I made him tell me what was going on,
and basically made him tell me we were on.
so it felt like,
just so i could have peace of mind that
i dont have.
because he didnt say anything of his own accord, or come to a resolve at least.
Other than he wanted alone time haha
ugh.
why?
I am typing frantically with no regard to checking spelling or punctuation.
he said china, me and you, were trying.
as i was crying asking what are we.
cause i cant take this feeling in my chest, the knot in my stomach,
wondering if he loves me and is going to stay or call me, or what?!
uggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
i was going out of my mind.
so i called and said blah blah blah
and he said
blah blah blah
because i dont want to digest all of this until i am really sure.
how will i be sure?
idk.
my flight leaves in 8 days.
8 days and I will be in China.
alone and starting a new job.
its gonna be scary.
im ready.
but i wish danny was by my side.
how do i know he will be there in 6 weeks?
how do i know what to hope for?
I know i am gonna have a great time
and have some great alone time.
haha actually, i am gonna love it,
because I get 6 weeks of all me and
a card with is number.
its gonna be wonderful.
I just want to make sure he is coming and we are doing this,
because i am so sad it wont really happen,
he said he wouldnt do that.
he tried to reassure me.
i wanna believe with all my heart and I am willing to do that for now.
I am happy, i am excited, i am good.
you got this girl,
and I hope you have your stuff together Danny, because I wanna be with you boy.
and I love you .
man of wonders. :)