On the other hand....

• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Got both boys down
• made lunches
• recovering from illness
• caretaking for one sick kid
• two services in one day with both kids
• finished homework 
• made, ate, cleaned up after dinner
• made lunches and notes
•  
•  
•  

This shits getting easier without you. I'm happier. your bullshit was bringing me down. 

You 

love 

like

a 

child

fucking clipart, paint, word doc bullshit

telling me i taught you blah blah blah

most intense youve been with anyone

and i didnt even get to do the hard stuff with you

you always fucking ran away

hid like a baby from real relationship shit we were supposed to work together on

the struggle is the climbing mountains together

not finishing or starting it

its the entire journey that builds love and trust and bonding

but you always ran

thats why she left you

thats why she threw your shit on the street

thats why she cheated on you

you do the replaceable stuff anyone can do

but you refuse to dig deeper to the real stuff that no one can replace

you have no idea how to even get there

you are so frozen solid 

your parents FUCKED you up

telling me NOBODY hits someone they love! 

Then your parents don't fucking love you and their parents didn't love them and you don't love your own kids

cause they all hit the most vulnerable and weak of all people

the defenseless

I DIDNT 

I hit back, and i hit out of fear, because my safety was being threatened in my own home  

how fucking dare you.

my love is the realest shit you will ever know

and the loss you are experiencing is the realest you will ever feel

i hope it breaks you and keeps you up at night

I was your ride or die.

and now

you are dead to me

Fight flight or freeze

i fought 

my safety 

my home

my life

was being threatened by your ability to use me sexually and say it was nothing 

you couldnt fuck me when we were in love

and then you leave me 

and thats when you start fucking me

because you were so disconnected

what the fuck was that 

I felt so threatened by everything you are and did and were and say

Adults hitting each other makes more sense then adults hitting children.

dont tell me i didnt love you or betrayed you or acted out of moral character

im human

im an aggressive boss ass bitch

i run this show so hard you forgot how colorless life is without me

I bring all the warmth and color

i bring the sex

i bring the heat

i bring the heart

i bring the laughter

 the tears

the fears

the pain

 the joy

the euphoria

the nostaligia

the sweetness

the tender

 the care

the mothering

the fathering

the humaning

i am all things at once

and its fucking hard

but i love me

i am a beacon of hope for all

and if you cant love me for who i am

i have lost nothing but another waste of human potential

you love like a scared, closed off, defensive little human

which i thought was what i needed 

meek

kind

quiet

non threatening

cooperative

small

but it turns out, 

you aren't those things really either 

you have no idea what or who you are

whatever you think i am

you are so wrong

cause you focus on the small parts of what makes up my whole

you can't even crane your neck far back enough to see the entirety of my enormous person

I am the fucking milky way

i never stop

and what you can see is still not the entire of who i am it goes so deep

i get it

being with me is alot

but if you were the right one

it would be priceless and something you would never want to give up

because i am goddess in human form

I wrap my lips around you 

and heal you from the outside in

like a hot metal rod to flesh

i can seal the wound with my heat

and bring on newness and forward motion

i am fresh as spring always

and i give new life at the snap of my fingers

i dont know why i trusted you

i know life will show me the way

i wish it wasnt so

but it is

and i am accepting that and moving on and 

ready to burn and replant 

I have new life beaming out of me that i forgot existed because I was trying to match you

to stay with you

to keep you 

but I release you

go

be free

but like a butterfly

your wings are wet by your own choices

and you will stay down

down

down

forever on the ground until you fade back into the dirt

because you refuse to move the water from your wings 

flying seems scarier because of the work that needs to be put in

to get you up in the air

forever down