Scorched Earth Policy

I had a man

 that stood by my side,

and held my hand as I forlornly cried. 

He begged and he pleaded, 

 I never conceded, 

and he walked away knowing 

he tried.

Over the last few days, I have been through many different stages of this thing I am going through.

A year ago, I was going to California for my sister's wedding. 

A year before that, was my own, 

and the year before that I was on a family vacation meant to be the initial date of my wedding, 

but it got cancelled because he punched me in the face and broke my nose. 

And now, I am here, visiting California to see my family on the weekend I was meant to 

be going to LAX to start a new life with the man I love. 

But he decided to end the crazy cycle we were in, 

because I was in a crazy cycle. 

For the last year, I have been trying to undo the damage done from years of David. 

I decided it ended when I met Dan. The love of my life, who showed me that nothing had to be 

any certain way that my brain said it was. Who taught me to 

uncondition myself from years of awful conditioning. 

For five years, I stayed with a him. Faithfully by his side. 

And I conditioned myself to think that it didn't get any better. 

Because all the boyfriends I had before him told me 

I love you. 

and it always amounted to the same shit. 

(I never realized they were just words before I met Dan)

I thought, well, he let's me freak out and cry and stays, 

so,

he must love me. 

Thinking it was all my fault, and that whatever love I got,

was all I deserved. 

I stayed with David through years of this. 

We got together in college, year 2. 

I met him on the first day of school, and he fell hard. 

And I remembered him from then on. 

After a bad break up with a rocker dude who left me after crying that he didn't care one to many times,

(because surprise, he didn't at 18)

I started talking to him and it quickly turned into a rebound relationship. 

The first night we spent together, 

he cried about how lonely he was. 

I coddled him ever since. 

I spent years making cookies, meals, cleaning,

driving late nights, being lied to, being ignored, 

putting my self on the back burner for his happiness.

I watched as he stood up for his bachelors degree with honors, 

and hated him, 

because I missed the half GPA point because I received a C in history class for not 

turning in my mid term paper because I was making him dinner as he sat on the 

sofa and played Xbox. 

Escape

I surprised him at his brothers wedding after a week of not speaking to him 

for something he seriously wronged me for

(I don't remember what it was at this point)

Escape. 

I asked him the first week if he watched porn, 

because it is a habit i strongly detest. 

He said no.

and two years later, 

I logged onto his computer for something quickly, 

to find tons of downloaded videos of Asian porn. 

Escape. 

And yet, I stood by his side faithfully for years on end. 

Telling myself that I did not deserve any better, 

because I was crazy, and unmanageable. 

Never realizing that these situations were creating a sick psyche in me

that perpetuate the crazy,

and that the problem was not me. 

so much. 

So when he punched me in the face. I went back. 

because it was my fault. 

and he did love me. but i was unmanageable. 

Excuse.

I did deserve something better. 

and they never "loved" me.

and I realized it when I met Dan. 

but when he helped me out of this 

with the kindest and sweetest and most real love I have ever known,

years of poison started to flow out of me. 

and it spewed like a radiation leak.

It killed everything in sight, 

and even through this he saw me and knew me and loved me. 

I was the radiation after a while,

as I walked around killing everything with one single touch. 

and no matter how hard I tried to pull us apart.

He stayed, and he loved. 

Sure, he got sick of it and warned me of impending doom. 

and I begged him to hold on and apologized.

Because I knew what he knew. 

This wasn't me. 

It was growing up. 

and it was necessary. 

But not in this way. 

not in this manner.

and that was something I didn't understand. 

until it was too late. 

I feel like the thinnest of China figurines. 

Painted with bronze to hide the frailty.

And after everyone has rubbed off the paint. 

I'm left with myself, only the fine china core. 

And I feel my frailty in a way I never have before. 

I see how naked I am and want to hide. 

Daniel leaving me is something I will never, ever want. 

But it was a catalyst for something good. 

First, I have to break though.

so that I can rebuild, 

and I am so afraid. 

My fine china has cracked. 

and pieces keep falling off. 

and it hurts in a way that cannot be explained. 

The wind, my movement, the feeling of words as they hit my body. 

the slightest of things that keep causing pieces to drop. 

I try not to breathe. 

even this feels painful. 

and if it's not the pieces falling, 

it's the feeling of the sharp edges left in their absence. 

Everything causes the most agonizing pain I have ever felt. 

And only now am I realizing that this is real pain. 

Not what I was terrorizing our lives with, our great lives together, 

because that should have been the release. 

We had the whole world in front of us. 

we were on a journey of a lifetime.

and all I did was sulk and muck it up. 

This entire journey I could have made a great thing for me and him, 

and I chose to sit and cry in the corner. 

and ask why nobody loved me.

REALLY ERICKA

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!

The only man I will ever love in this capacity, 

is the only man I will never have again. 

I have only myself to blame. 

What a heavy weight to carry.