Last night...

.... I spent 5 mins. trying to use my brain to set back time. Focusing as hard as I could on bending time and getting back to last year.
I would do anything to get back to last year.
HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE?!

I keep trying to think optimistically while also trying to get my heart to start back up again and force air out of my lungs.
This year I learned:
1. Just have fun. Stop worrying about the mundane and trivial things in life as much as possible and just enjoy the journey. It doesn't last long, and let's face it, you're more fun to be around when you do.
2. Pick your battles wisely. If you are going to argue, make sure it is worth while, because most of the time, truth is, it probably isn't.
3. Never forget about doing the things that you love the most and sticking with them. Because when the love of your life dumps you, you are not going to move out of bed without those things.
4.People change. I pulled my hair out this year worrying about what others thought of me, telling only the people I thought I could trust (I couldn't) and fretting about how I should tell the people I couldn't (they turned out the be the only people I could). This goes mostly for my family, who has been the most supportive through all of this. Everyone else fell by the wayside.
5. I have one more month left of this year, soooooo, I will get back to you on that one.

I feel so lost. The man I love and planned my life with and saw an actual future with and was bursting with happiness over (most of the time, because depression doesn't allow all of the time), doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. Every second I am working on catching my breath as I think of all the wonderful memories and intimacy we shared over the year. So much more than I ever shared with David in 5 years, or Josh in 2. Everything we did had to be intimate, and it was. Cooking dinner, playing games, going to work, being on holiday, making the bed, doing laundry, brushing our teeth, and the list goes on. My mind will not let me rest. So how does he rest so well? What did I do that was so wrong? well... I know the answer to that. but still. We were about to go to China together. We were about to have our first apartment together. We were going to decorate it and share laughs on the sofa, and cuddles in bed, and smoke off the balcony and watch China through our clerestory windows. and he was right. things would not have gotten better if we did not stop the crazy cycle.
But why did we need to end this ALL and break up?!
Why not just a much needed break and talk?
I know, he said it was him, he needed to think about himself and do his own thing and I did not fit in there.
So how, after this man says I am "the most beautiful creature in the world",
compliments everything about me from head to toe,
sticks with me after I trashed the entire house in anger because my whole life was unraveling before me,
tells me how cute our kids will be and what our wedding dance song will be,
shit...I can't even go on.
I need to go have a smoke.
My heart is breaking out of my chest. And I have no idea how I am ever going to be the same again.
I left my husband thinking I was never going to get back here again.
And here I am , at my parent's house. The same as I left a year ago.
Heart broken that I had to leave back to Surabaya with the devil and hated David.
Heart broken now that the man I love does not want to love me back anymore.
How can I do this to my parents over and over again.
What does it say about me? Does it say anything about me?
Is this one of the things I am meant to learn? to stop reading into things so deeply and just realize that it is life? Or am I meant to pull the pieces of these things apart and read into all of it and find the meaning?
Because that is how I got here. Why Daniel and I went so wrong, and I was tormented for a year.
Does that mean that Daniel was wrong for me, or that I was not meant to do that because life is just life and things work or they don't?
I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!!!!

All I know, is that I miss the shit out of Daniel, and every day seems to be consistently harder and easier at the same time. Every day, I can feel how much he really does not care anymore and wants no part of this. Today, I realized that he does not love me and is never coming back.
And I just cannot accept the reality of this. Because I love him with all my heart, and all the intimacy we shared, all the secrets I told him that I never told anyone, all the tangles I untangled, all the mysteries solved, all the clarity I received during our time together, is something I will NEVER have with anyone else. And I don't want to. Because what is so special about that? My sweet, sweet Danny. Words could never express how I feel for and about you love.