Surprise, Surprise

I'm sitting on a couch in China,
reading through the emails Dan and I sent around New years,
and relating them back to how now he is saying they didn't mean a God damn thing.
and he was wrong to write me.
and its over.
and he wont be coming to China.
and he cheated on me with Kerri and was with her all while we were separated.
and I slept with a dude named Cory from Ohio.
and felt nothing.
and asked Cory not to kiss me or look at me or do anything serious.
Just fuck.
and it means nothing to me.
While Dan says he really likes Kerri,
but wanted to be with me.
and I begged him to come and he said no.
after the month of online dating.
he said sorry and is about to be gone after tonight.
and ill hang with Cory and the guys at work.
I want to die right now.
I can't believe I let myself get here again.
I knew he was the same.
I knew it was a mistake.
Why can't I say no to him.
My life seems like it'll be filled with so much emptiness after this.
Like it did when we were separated.
and my insides are crying as I maintain a hard outside.
and all the office people tell me how cool I am.
I feel like a fraud.
thing is, they would love me more if they knew I was me while doing this other heartbreaking thing.
All I want is Dan though.
But not anymore.
I know he doesn't love me after all these things.
Nothing means anything to me anymore.
I know everything, and I am aware. And I do not like life or care.
I always meet men when I am broken.
This time. I dont want anymore. and am using Cory. Being absolutely honest about it, and watching him get attached.
I am questioning the very foundations of existence.
and wishing science would do its things and reveal that I am nothing but dust.

I can only keep doing this for so much longer.