The polite exchange

I wish I could shake your hand.

I wish I could just look at you and laugh

at how funny this all was in the 

spectrum of life.

"haha, that was a good game!"

"that was a pretty brutal match, good game"

And after a good clap on the back

and last laugh,

everyone keeps on their way around the compound 

of anthropomorphic gray suited figures.

The gray concrete, post-modern building watches 

as they flood in and out of its mouth

likes ants to their pile. 

They shake hands and practice

formalities. 

Exchanges are polite and amiable. 

But in the game arena, names mean nothing. 

Formalities are fucked. 

And their idea of fun is destruction. 

But at the end of the day. 

It was only a game. 

They know this. It isn't real.

And how could it be if they had to look at the chaos created,

the bodies and rubble and blood on hands? 

Life is too short to stay angry. 

Smile and move on. 

Constant movement.Don't stand still. Keep moving forward. Don't look back. Don't reflect.

I'd smile my big smile and laugh that dorky laugh of mine, 

I'd be nervous and shy,

I'd get chills at the brush of your skin

and goosebumps from the 

intimate gesture. 

I'd say  "Good Game!"

shake a few times and laugh awkwardly

...

12-1-2014: ...and not let go. I'd melt on sight and probably cry out of happiness.
The thing is...I get it now. and I want to laugh. 
Because I don't want to be angry. 
I still feel like I really don't get it, but sometimes I do. and I'm not sure if I do, 
or am going that bananas that I might be 
a bit of a brain-washed yuppy. 
I still don't really get it. and I am not sure if it will help or matters. 
I just feel like laughing at this right now because after all that we have gone through in a year, 
I want to think it meant something but obviously it was just a big joke on me
and I fell for it and ha ha. Good one. 
Cause if it was not a big joke, 
It makes no sense what it happening and I'm in a panic because 
X-bombs are raining from the sky and I have no idea what to do. 
I'm trying to laugh at it all instead of cry about it these days, 
because I am so at a loss at what to do right now. 
I keep telling myself to just move on, and can reassure myself for about 15 mins 
before I realize I don't have enough energy to keep
trying to push myself out a building at the 10th floor
when I don't want to leave and had no intention 
of thinking about my exit.

12-6-2014:...It's actually nice to look back at these old posts and see how I have 
changed just in the last few days.
I need to keep reminding myself that. 
I can do this.
I don't want to, but I will.
Maybe we both have a little of
The Men that Don't Fit In
in us. Maybe I'm wrong.
I don't see any point in that kinds of talk anymore,
Wrong and right.
seems so trivial hahaha
*sigh* 
Well If I shook your hand now,
I think I would cry and want some answers.
But not know how to ask them, or care if I had them. 
Because I probably already know. 
I still want you back in my life Danny pants.
But I am not in charge of that decision,
so I guess I have to just smile and wave 
adieu.