One More Time with Feeling

He left China,
He couldn't take the heat.
and I left the apartment and walked to the pub with Cory.
He lost it, and beat the crap out of me when I came home.
After waking up in my own vomit,
I tried to find him,
and found nothing but silence.
Eventually he called me from the airport and said goodbye.
I followed him to England.
and here we sit in separate rooms,
at his parents cottage in Wales.
Saying we are gonna try and figure this all out.
I quit my job and spent too much money trying to get here.
I am a thousand dollars in debt.
I can't see the way out,
but I do want to stay for a bit and have a proper farewell before
this entire thing falls apart for the last time.
I can't figure it out anymore.
I listened to him,
I let him be the bastard he wants to be,
and all I can do is love him and try and say goodbye with that in mind.
I need to leave soon,
but I can't help but holding out for hope.
as he does the same.
Last night I felt hopeless and fell asleep in tears on the couch
he was kind to me and made dinner.
Then we watched movies till the next fight about
artists on the voice not being real artists because for the show they do other peoples songs.
that is selling out and cancels out their artistry.
I disagreed and we fought.
I just figured, I was fighting for something that they couldn't fight themselves for.
For him to be kind and see what he should,
and not only what he wanted to.
I just want him to be kind, and he can barely be kind to me,
let alone others.
He says its me that does it to him. cause without me, he is a kind soul.
This is a total lie.
I shouldnt be trying to change him anymore.
He is who he is.
And I know he would be better in some ones else's hands,
but I love him so much,
so entirely,
it's hard to want to let go of someone you will never meet the likes of again and brings such
a vigor and motion to life, that without, seems dull and pointless.
But what can I do.
If he wants to be cruel and unkind to not only me, but others, than what hope is there.
Maybe another woman can come and change him in an instant to a man who doesn't want to hurt others.
That isn't a life, that is a taking of it. and its not your right, it's a thievery.
Love isn't about changing other people, it's about finding what makes life seem worth being better for. To make it last until the very last few seconds with the person who you don't want to leave this awful world for.
Love is fucking a word, the feeling and sentiment that leads us to use the word is what matters and it cannpot be described in a sentense or two.
it is so much more and im starting to lose it.
How do you tell someone to wake up before it's too late,
not only for the relationship, but just for themselves. Before he lets himself slip into the abyss of cynicism and doubt and self-loathing.
You can't, and I won't stay for it. I would love to be that strong.
But it has nothing to do with forcing myself to be unhappy for the man I love.
He should want better for me, he should love me better than this if he is honest in the good times.
But he isn't. He wants me for the sake of wanting something good.
but that will never amount to anything but him trying to beat his brains out for something he doesnt believe.
good luck to you sir.
UGGGGHHHH, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MYSELF!!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BODY INTO THE SKIES AND CRY TILL I COLLAPSE.