"Where's my mind?"-Copeland

I am the happiest i have ever bean.
You are the most tender and affectionate and loving man I have ever known.
you are patient, and inquisitive, and indulging.
you make me a better person.
you make me want to be a better person.
you are the light of my life.
seriously.
the light you give off is something so different,
more different than i have ever experienced before.
and even though i get pissed off about a few things
i can talk to you about it and we can work it out
pronto.
and i love it
i love our open feed of communication and respect.

i said lets talk about this sex situation
fixed
get off your damn phone
fixed
but this last one
is all me
and im not sure how to fix it
im jealous
because i love you so much
and i see you as someone so much better than me
and i know other women see it
and want it
and i dont want to give it up.
i dont know what to say
how do i express my jealousy
in a healthy way?
let me rephrase :
how do i express i am feeling jealousy in a healthy way?
i want to be honest.
i thought i was all that and a bag of chips
then i caught your glare in my eyes and i feel pale in comparison.
i feel empty when i see how full you are.
i can only imagine the beings that gravitate towards you.
people who want to feed off that light.

i
    want
            it
                all
                     to
                         myself
i'm starting to feel jealous off our talks of old partners, and im the one that always does it.
i got myself used to it because i feel like i should be able to stomach it, even though i never have done it well at all. never. and i keep telling myself that mature people do it. stomach it and even dgaf.
but i do. and the more i talk about my past partners, the harder i am trying to pretend idgaf.
but its all false. i do care. i don't like the bringing up of pasts. but it is important. it is me. it is you. it is real. and it needs to be released. so i will stomach it as long as i can. but i do feel jealous.

i know you are mine. as i am yours. and we are the only light that catches each others eyes.
so i know in my heart that i have nothing to worry about. it is only my brain that is trying to stir shit up. and i will hold strong.

i spent all night last night apologizing to you. because i was in my head. i did feel something.
and i couldn't exactly pinpoint it. it's like my body is trying to sabotage me, overthinking everything. i realize that the root was that i didn't want to mess this relationship up and lose you. i really really dont want to. i want you forever. but i couldn't stop myself from throwing all the barriers up from making things happen smoothly. i couldn't get out of my head. and even now, i can't and it hurts. i want to stop thinking. i just want to sink into my heart feelings and be utterly in love and infatuated with this beautiful person who has penetrated my life in all the layers and ways i could never have imagined allowing anyone to do.

i am scared to mess this up. by being me. and i can't get out of the hole.
pull me out please. i want to be back in the light with you.  i want to be with you.
always. all ways. i want this forever . this feeling of tear jerking joy.
i couldn't have imagined a better life and love than this. i want to keep it. and never let go.
you are the one. you are the most amazing person i have ever met. without even trying that hard.
you just are. and it gives me the feeling of implosion when i realize you have set your sights on me of all people.
im a bag of shit.
i dont deserve you.
i tried to ruin it all in one fail swoop.
and then gave up on ruining it all after i realized i couldn't .
you want me. as much as i want you. and nothing will change that.
but i still have this ptsd coursing through my body that sends fear in pails of blood to my brain,
and i freak out and grow tense and terse and act like an idiot. i don't wanna be the push over piece of shit anymore, so i pretend to be the cool girl. you said i was acting weird and i blamed it on weed.
but it was just me, freaking out. i don't know how to combat the part of me that says it will all end and that i am not good enough and will just ruin this in the end anyways with my shittyness.

the pain from the past is eating away at me, and attacking you as a way to deflect the attention away from the gaping hole in my brain and chest that says, you will never find love, you will always be alone, you dont deserve anything good to last because you are a piece of garbage.