I have been singing this Junip song to myself for weeks now.
What would I do, I asked myself over and over.
And now, a few days after Christmas, he finally messaged me back and is saying he is sorry and wants to be better and back together and go to China.
Everything in me wants to rush back into his arms and fall in love all over again, not that I ever fell out of love. But the situation put me in a weird place, a place where I can fall head over heels with him again.
I want my man back,
I want to go to China with him,
I want the apartment,
and a cat,
and our own things,
I want a house one day,
and the intertwined families,
and the grandparents coming over to see our kids,
and I want to think about what our kids will look like,
and where we will be in a few years,
and where we will end up ultimately,
and what color we will paint our walls,
and the art we will fill the place with...
I want to dream about it all!!!!
But I can't,
not after all this time and his insistance on never seeing me again.
I want to make sure he is positive about wanting us and the direction(s) that this
relationship can go.
Gah! I have no idea what I am saying.
All I know is this is crazy and I love him and I wish I could have dived back in like he wanted me to.
But I cannot have this happen again.
I do not want to live a life where I choose to love a man the most, a man who I am not sure if he loves me as much back.
I kind of expect him to be like "I love you, and that is it, and we can do this, let's go baby!"
but he has confirmed my fears and said he actually isn't sure and needs more time to think.
So I got angry, why would he do this to me. All of this!? If he really loved me.
Is he just missing me or sorry and wants to keep me on a string for his comfort?
I want to believe he really loves me, but I know he has to prove it and prove that this is the last time that this kinda thing is gonna happen.
He even said he needed to disappear again and think about it all.
I am furious.
Why come back you insensitive prick if you aren't sure if you wanna be with me after breaking my heart into a million pieces?
What is the reason, what is the purpose, what are you trying to say???!!!
I want you to grab me and kiss me passionately and tell me I am the one!
I have no idea what he is saying, but it is not this.
So what do I think. Ever since he contacted me back,
I have been in the same spot I was when we broke up,
unconfident and unsure of what was happening,
in emotional turmoil and angst.
All I need you to do is choose me or lose me babe.
I want to keep doing my thing with all the confidence I had before he messaged,
and all the confidence that his love gives me as well,
but I can't feel that until he decides.
and it is leaving me in a bad space.
Please just choose, love.
I want you to choose us so we can do this life things for reals and live it as best as we can,
because you and I do that together.
I just keep waiting for an oops, didn't mean to do that.
and I feel this wonderful wave of apathy that tells me to just not care.
but it extends, unfortunately, to not caring about a whole lot really.
It could one day I guess.
I feel like he's just pawing me around to see if i'm dead.
He has to prove it. plain and simple.
I don;t want it unless you do.
my words feel so utterly weightless and empty.
I have no idea what the meaning even is anymore.
I hate that you do this to me and you can't decide if you want me.
its earth shattering.
and I'm still picking up pieces and trying to make sense of it all.
You still have not answered almost any questions.
I am going to stop talking before I delete all this and start over.
ugggghhh!
life.
how i love the dirty pants off this guy.
and how deep down he sees into me.
It is nice to be seen for who I really am and not only to be not hated, but loved.
I guess I will get along no matter what, but there is a better and best way.
We shall see.
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