So I finished my first Murakami book today as recommended by Dan.
I absolutely loved it, but unfortunately it was the right book at the wrong time.
Every word resonated where I am right now in losing Dan and in life.
Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World.
Fantastic.
The last part was the hardest to get through because it was all about choosing paths and what is best for yourself. And how sometimes you don't have a choice, you just keep going and do what you need to.
I opened your heart back up to love again, doesn't that have to account for something important.
You were a tumbleweed before we got together. You were happier then people had seen you in years. We were traveling and making omelets, and walking around the house being silly and dancing and singing, we were waving through the windows at each other everyday, we lounging around half-naked watching X-Files, and talking about the future and the past and unraveling what was to come and has been. We shared everything together. Our food, our toothbrushes, our steam and bank accounts, our underwear, our shower, our bed.
How am I being forgotten so quickly, what am I supposed to do?
I feel like I have been played,
You were by my side day in and day out for a year. Hugging and loving and smiling at me.
No matter how bad things were, I don't think it's worth this.
And I meant to just let go like a free fall during trust building exercises.
Close my eyes and fall backwards into what feels like eternity, but in actuality is only less than a second.
Driving to Bromo.
Driving around Surabaya.
Dinner out.
Episodes and video games.
Hotel rooms.
Drinks at home and at bars.
Sim city families and towns.
X-files, Adventure Time, Wilfred, The Walking Dead, Falling Skies?
Cuddles and early morning stretches.
Coffee and cigarettes.
Mexican night.
Homemade Mac and Cheese.
Donuts.
The surprise of heart notepads, jelly roll pens, and a new watch.
Spontaneity and lack of dull moments.
Books and morning internet checks.
Walking to the corner store, the food court.
The morning we awoke in the white lit room holding each other and realized it was all real.
It really means that little? Can I help but feel played?
This meant everything to me. I never want to share this with anyone else. How could I ?
Realization has sunk in that you have already burnt us in the fire with those documents.
That you are ready to start again so soon with someone else. Just like you did with me and Nadine.
Is this your pattern, is this just who you are, or is it something else?
I thought I was the start of something entirely different, or did you say that to the others as well?
I can't tell anymore.
I believed you though. and I still do. and I am willing to stay patient and do what I can to support you from so far away. Even if that means letting you try other girls and relationships. which I feel dumb for saying, but have no choice really since I love you and all.
All I know is that I am so sorry for pushing you so far. For judging you when all you wanted was the love I promised. You wanted the happy, calm, and fun that our existence together showed much proof of, but I always burnt in my depressed fury. I am so sorry that you feel the way I do now, unloved and judged for a past that is not indicative of the me now. I am so so sorry, and want to claim ownership of the damage I did, and turn it all around. Because I know we had something unique and were kindred spirits begging to start a crazy, great life together that many people will never find.
We were right there.
We were so close.
So close, I can't let go of it yet.
I know that I will see pictures of you two soon, and it will destroy me for a time.
I know you have moved on already.
I know I will have to let go sooner, rather than later, because fighting myself is futile.
I believe in us, I'm not sure if I can stop.
It's like you and Katie, it took you years to fall in love with someone again. and that someone was me. And all the while you thought it would never happen again, but it did.
I have to believe that means something.
So I will wait.
And the longer I think of you, the more I die inside. The more time that passes, the more I think of you and every single moment that was spent between us. I can only hope that it all meant something to you and you realize it soon. That what you are doing is the easy thing, the runner thing, the guy thing. I believe in you Danny, and I know you will do the Dan thing, and all I can hope is that deep in your heart you realize it beats for us and all that can and does comprise "us". All that you have been questioning and looking for was found in us, we both know that. Everything clicked and made sense. Don't let the bad times taint that Danny.
I am writing for an audience of one. And if you ever read this, you would hate it as much as you hate us. I sicken at the idea of a life without you. You sicken at the idea of me. Why can't I get it through my thick skull?!
I miss you indescribably Daniel Booton.
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