British humor, tea time, full heart

It's quite again, 

and all the holiday fuss has calmed down, 

and everyone is back to their normal lives. 

It's too quiet. 

Because when I realize that the whole world is still, 

and I won't hear your voice anymore, 

my heart catches its breath,

and the pain 

sits still in my belly

like a huge weight. 

We should have been laughing in China right now, 

we should be looking at all the cool sights, 

and jumping on our bed, 

and taking freezing cold smokes outside. 

Let it go Ericka, forget it. 

My body literally freezes 

at the thought. 

How the fuck do I move forward, 

What the hell do I do now? 

It's beginning of week three,

and I'm still frozen in place

not sure if I am any the wiser on 

what the heck is going on. 

I try really hard to think about how you must feel

and why. 

And I think I start to get it. 

But can't leave out all the
ways we were perfect together.
Do you really forget all the motor bike times, and
walking around times, and video game times,
and movie times,
and intimate times?
Was it really as meaningless as you are making it?
and what does it say that you don't care
about any meaning in us?
What am I supposed to think?
How do I read all of this?

Do I go down with the ship or
jump overboard?
My indecision leaves me
standing on board
in my finest gown,
bolted to the ground
with hands at shoulder shrug.

All I can decide by the time the water reaches my knees,
is that I have enough time to let my hair down
and take it out of the stuffy bun.
I enjoy shaking out the curls.
and when I come back up,
realize the dizziness doesn't stop.
So here I am,
planted firmly in a sinking ship.
Sounds dumb, because it is!
I want to feel dumb for saying and feeling all of this.
I am trying.
It just feels so wrong.
and you've already moved on.
Greeeeeeaaaaaaaaattt......

I want to say more, and I also want to delete everything I just wrote.
...
As tears stream down my face,
I awaken to realize that I have been down-timing in my brain
to take a break from the pain
by fantastically thinking of the day I see you again
and smiling to myself.
It's hard not to when all I do is miss you
and
think about all the good times.
But I have to wake up because I know it's
just a dream.
But every time I look inside,
all I see is love.
So I find myself just standing there,
crying,
trying to pull the beating heart out of my chest with
bare hands.
"How can I do this???How am I supposed to do this?!!!?",
is what I keep finding myself asking.