Keep it in your head

I'm tapping my brain, tons of thoughts, not sure how to get them out or figure out what they mean.

So, he is talking to his old flame again. I was waiting for that. I knew it was coming.

I knew I was coming to an end, and I always knew how replaceable I was.

Why do I listen to them, why do I believe their tears, as they are professing love with their mouths and begging my heart to believe and relax. But as soon as I do, this happens.

He flew me as high as his wings could take us. 

He made sure I felt

the licks of rays on 

my back. 

And when he got tired of fighting the wind, 

he quickly dropped me off his wings,

and never looked back. 

And as I looked up from the place where I landed,

I saw two pairs of wings fly away

into the sun everlasting.

I fall for it every single time. 

I lick my wounds, and they heal in odd shapes and sizes. I hide them. I am not proud. 

I always bounce back with a smile. But inside, I feel distrusting and unloved. That's what I told you. 

You reassured me twas not the case. You made me promise I wouldn't hurt you like this. I forgot to make you promise. But at this point, promises mean nothing to you. Yet, this meant everything to me.

Did I chase you away, did you run away, were you always running, what is really going on? Because I thought we loved each other. But it seems more everyday that you never really loved me. Where is your fight, your will?! Wouldn't someone who really loved me fight for me? Isn't that what we said to our friends and family and enemies?! 

we love each other

Now you are happy to create as much distance as possible and forget all about me like I was a movie not of your taste, an awful taste in your mouth. 

Why did you spend so much time with me and on me and for me, if this was how you really felt? 

I do not want to think the worst of you. I don't I don't I don't. 

I get what you are saying, be gone, it's over, we're done. I shouldn't look back. 

But how can I not. I don't want this. and I have no idea how to go forward when the rug was pulled from under me. I'm licking as hard and fast as I can, but these wounds are still agape.  

I want to smack myself for being like this. But I have no idea how to proceed or process any of this. 

But you seem to know exactly how to do it, please give me a clue. I am so fucking lost. 

Yea, I hear everyone telling me to just let go, because how could a man who does this actually love me and it's just a lost cause because you are doing what many guys do. Just walk away. 

But after everything, I cannot believe that. You aren't just some tool who lived and breathed this life with me for a year through good and bad, and was ready to walk away at any minute because you really didn't care in the end. 

Are you?

I feel nauseated.
How can I be yesterday's news to a man I was meant to be in China with today.
He wants to walk around Shrewsbury with her. He wants to play with her son.
He wants to kiss her, and hold her, and fuck her. He wants to be close to her.
He wants to laugh with her and share his life with her, and always has.
That's how I'm yesterday's news. I was only a distraction.
I keep repeating the words in my head, "get over it, Ericka. Get over it!"
I should be able to get over it if I know all this. But none of it helps me to move on,
it just makes my heart shrivel in my chest and my stomach curl.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?