Shame Boner

Shame. 

Gotta be honest.

Today was pretty effing hard.

I was not sure how I was going to make it through.

Major shame boner.

In all honesty

It got so bad I had to message him so.

Ugh. Why can't I stop myself!? 

I don't mind as much as you do I'm sure, but then I start to mind that I'm bothering you.

Shame.

I have no idea what to do when it gets this hard, 

but I am lucky to say this has been the hardest day thus far.

Please please please not many more of these.

It was just an incredibly heavy morning to wake up to, I could just feel it in my bones.

Then the thoughts started.

Like the creaking in my bones and shaking off of dust,

My mind slowly turned on like a favorite, old grandfather clock.

I should play Machinarium again. 

Similar mannerisms.

It was dreadful. And I felt stupid all the while for feeling so miserable.

But then my sister serendipitously called me and said go ahead and look stupid, 

it's not bad all the time. You gotta be weak and let it all out. Grieve.

That made me feel hella good.

It's like every time I feel like I might be getting somewhere, 

this day happens. My mind was everywhere and

anywhere in that relationship.

It was crippling.

Nothing I did could shake it. 

I wanted to cry out so loud the heaven's split.

Sometimes telling myself :

"Drop it! He doesn't want you! Put it behind you.",

does NOT work.

I am trying so hard today.

I have no idea where the day even went.

I was out and about, but I remember nothing about it.

nondescript.

This is all too much for me to even begin to understand right now and it is more and more obvious each day. There is no way to pull all the chains apart and look at them separately for long right now.

I can pull out the small, loose bits and straighten them out.

I can think of you and enjoy the moment and let it warm my heart,

and not feel bad about it.

ugh.

why is progress so...progressive and slow haha

eh.

Day behind me thank jebus.

positive things about the day:

great talk with Meg Pie

Mom and dad both kept me company and were supportive

I got to cry a little (I wish I could get myself to cry more about this, I need the release)

Went for a walk

!!!Signed up for volunteer opportunities around town!!!

Met me a nice lot of people

ickle bit of dog time

mom and I got out today 

Made it through a tough day like a champ

:)

Si sepuedo!

I felt I needed to share this because of how real it feels and clear I see. 

Life of a shorty, you can see it and hear it and want it, but unless you jump on that counter or grab a chair, ain't no way your gonna reach it. Sigh.

Bleh. What the fuck do I know? I ask that often after a good few hours of circling thoughts,

poop, just poop!